Trouble with the VA

Ok here we go again. I have requested an increase in my VA comp due to the IBS and the PTS getting worse. My PC doc says my IBS is severe, VA says its mild. Whatever, all I know is it hurts and I shit way more than I should. Is it any wonder I weight in around 127 to 130 pounds?? Im 6 feet tall for shits sake, I should weight in around 160 or so. Yea its mild my ass. Trust me I have changed my diet, I have all but eliminated sugar and I have cut back on a lot of not so good food. I do not eat at fast food places anymore at all. I take fiber suppliments also. All I can do is lay the blame for the IBS on the PTS. That shit is getting wicked. Im having more night mares and my startle response is getting out of hand. I get pissed pretty easy too plus I am usually depressed and in a foul mood. This morning I woke up feeling just shitty as hell and I was pissed as hell. I dont even know why I was pissed. It had to have been a night mare I dont remember so well. Good thing I guess. My head doc at the VA had called 
me yesterday so I returned his call and although I didnt talk with Doc Sandstrom I did talk to another guy and he was asking me if I wanted to try another drug. I dont remember the name of it but it is an anti depressant/ sleep aid. I told him Ill try it, but Im a little leery of it. Ill do plenty of research on this before I jump. I don't need another suicide drug, or a drug that interferes with my sexuality or performance. Not going there again, I came way too close to poppin myself once before and I am not going to take that risk again. Yea ok never say never. Ill try the drug mostly so I can tell the doc how I feel on it. I have to play their game for a little bit so ya know right. Hopefully I'll make it through this.                                         Im asking for 70%. That should put me in a good spot with income. If Martha and I stay together it should bail us out. There is a catch though. My appeal will take close to, if not more than 14 months. 14 fuckin months. The world will have changed by then. A lot. Good chance I wont be able to hold on to the house. That really sucks but at least I can say i lived in my own house for a while, and its really not my house, its Martha's. Her Dad paid for it once and now we are paying for it again. Damn life truly sucks sometimes, ya know..catch ya next time... happy trails.....

Flare Day

Im in a moderate to worse flare today. Pretty much sucks. I had to reschedule my dentist appt, again due to the wonderul world of I shit way too much. Flare ups and IBS go hand in hand. Ones bad makes the other worse and that makes the other worse and so on and such forth. Here we go back to that one word. Hate. I hate this shit and having to shit and all that other shit that goes with the shit of fibro. Said shit a lot didnt I? Thats because its really shitty. So on to this flare. Just what the hell do you suppose brought this one on? MMm let me guess. Weather system, cold front moving through. Check. High stress levels. Check. Winter hath approches. Check. Did a little too much the last couple days. Check. Well looks like its all there.  Its even rainy and gloomy outside. Mm go figure. Im not sure I am cut out for this kind of shit( ha more shit). Kinda depressing at times. So I sit here and listen to Pink Floyd with a proper buzz and hope it helps. Medicating with cannabis is the best way to go, for me anyways. I ate 2 cookies this morning for breakfast and smoked a little and it is helping a lot. Pretty sure this flare would have me in bed otherwise. Im almost there as it is. Pretty damn sick but I think the shits are pretty close to being done for a while anyway. I hope so. 
     Shit. Its humpday and the weekend is getting closer. Tomorrow I go to see Tom at the VA. hopefully Im not sick. Stay tuned this could get interesting to be sure. My hands started hurting a lot faster today so Im a gonna get along and have some lunch, soup, maybe and a nap sounds about right. Peace my friends, have a safe trip and keep the shiny side up. See ya on the flip..

Summer of 14

    Well looks like summer is closing out and fall is closing in. You know how I feel about that so we don't need to go over it again. Wow what a summer I've had. Nothing short of great. A few bad days here and there with the fibro and all that shit. I requested an increase in comp from the VA for the PTS getting worse and the IBS not getting better. All the Docs said they agree with me and things are certainly worse than when I was evaled in 2011. I was told it would be no problems getting an increase, unofficially of course, then here comes the letter, sorry we feel you are not any worse and because I am not a combat Vet I wont be getting an increase. Something like that anyway. Excuse me??? Your Docs said the PTS is worse and my Docs say the IBS is sever. You say its mild. Ok then. Fuck right off VA and spend a week in my house, see how I eat because i dont have an effing appetite and then see how much I shit because I have IBS.                                                                                                                                                    So that part sucks, but the rest of the summer was pretty damn good. Ive visited Debbie a few times and we have laughed and cried and talked good times. We went to Wildwood one afternoon. That was fun yet, wow what a huge change. I almost threw her in the lake but you know. We plan on going to The 44th Annual Midwest harvest fest in Oct. That should be a blast. Ive been wanting to go for so long but didnt want to spend more than a few hours but hey its a weed harvest fest and I don't want to drive 3 and half hours after a day of um medicating. Debbie is only an hours drive so I can stay there and we can go to the fest for a few hours. Sounds like fun. Damn if I make that one and it is planned then I will have been to 6 fest this year. Wow. GFF in Jun, GGGs in Aug, Blues in the Pines in Sept and a Blues fest in Sun Prairie last week with Debbie. Yea I know. I had a great time every time. A little shy on the shrooms this year but still had a blast. I sure am tired though. Lots of investment pain thats for sure. I know I said a few bad days but there were a lot I covered up. I need to move around or be up and try to keep my spirits up so I just cant lay around all the time. I didn't get much done in the yard this year but the weather was funky and hot and buggy and all of a sudden gone ,poof, that's all she wrote folks. See I went to too many fests and I was lost in the moment that lasted all summer.                                                                                                                                Page break

  So Im going to go to lunch with my good friend Al tomorrow. I need to talk to him. One of the few men on this planet that I trust with my everything including my life. Ive been having some difficulty with the PTS but I need to chat with him about a couple other things that have gone down this summer. One of those fuckity fuck fuck times ya know? Yea maybe not but you will. I hate times like this also. It just adds to my already confused self. The last 10, or maybe a little more, years have been tough. The last 5 or 7 years have been even tougher. Its late and me and my fingers are getting tired. Always the fingers. More fuckity fuck.   If anyone sees my unicorn please let me know. I truly miss her. Sweet dreams. 

Just another day.

  Well here we are at the beginning of June. Finally summer is upon us and I for one am very pleased about that. Better weather. My youngest has graduated high school, not sure if I mentioned that before, and he has plans on enlisting in the Navy around the end of Aug or so. Thats great that he has a plan. I'm not sure about the whole empty nester thing yet. Time for us to be a couple again. Sounds like fun. I can drop a couple responsibilities and I can trim my budget accordingly. I should be able to free up a couple hundred a month, well, maybe a hundred but hey ya know I can take it.  
   
  I went to the first music fest of my summer this past weekend. Grateful Friends Fest. That was a huge blast. I had a lot of fun and I came home feeling pretty good. The fibro didnt act up and it is still being good. I tripped every night starting on Thursday night, with progressively stronger doses and by Sat night I was looking at 2 grams or a little more. All 3 nights were a huge success. I tripped very nicely and the fibro is still missing in action, and I am not searching for it either. As far as I am concerned it can stay gone, but I know it will be back. So once again, I did something that should have kicked my butt all the way back home. 3 nights of not the best sleep 4 days of not the best diet and 4 days and 3 nights of non stop wake up till sleep time party. I smoked cannabis I ate cannabis and I did my magic shrooms. I should have been whipped but nope I feel great. The music was great and the folks at the fest are some of the nicest people I have ever meet. Yep, the hippies were right. Peace Love and dope right? Well we dont use the word dope anymore so I'll stick with the peace and love part. The dope? Well I dont use dope anymore either, but I do use cannabis. I have another fest to go to in Aug. Same kind of music and same kind of party. It will be fun I'm sure. For now though I must bid you a fond fare thee well, I have a truck to unpack and I'm pretty sure I need to help.. Full sails and following seas my friends. See ya at the bridge..

Trip Report

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 How about that friends and neighbors, two posts in a row. I must be motivated or mayhap its sunspots. I really need to do this more often. I kinda like writing my shit down. 

        

                                                                                                                                                                               I've continued my experiments with psilocybin this year. 3 so far. First one was a half gram and it was a good trip. Lots of laughs and no fibro. I was practically fibro free for 2 days. The next time I dosed a full gram. Better trip and somewhat trippier. Again no fibro. Gone, zip, nada. Pretty amazing if you ask me. And if you do ask I will be happy to tell you. Wait I'm doing that now. Ha. Second time I was fibro free for another 2 maybe 2 and a half days. Very nice. Now to Sunday night. Went up to a gram and a half. Wow that was trippy indeed. Lots of colors and shadows moving in a cartoon fashion. Much better. I do love to trip. Again no fibro. No a trace. No bugs, no randoms, no voodoo pains and I had a lot of energy and my coordination was much better than usual. After the peak I kinda went into a state of mind that was pretty deep. Not as deep as I am looking for but part way there. I listened to some Allman Bros and I let myself go with the music. 22 minutes of closed eye after peak. Very nice and very meditative. Three and a half days later I'm feeling it wear off. Kinda grumpy today but thats fibro for ya. I probably wont trip again until the fest. We shall see how that goes.. Oh boy am I getting pumped up for that...

 

         I need to meditate more often. Not with the shrooms lol, those are for times when I want to trip and experiment with the medical benefits and meditate and all the above. Maybe hit up a small dose, half a gramish a couple times a month and go bigbang with a couple of grams or more every once in awhile. 

 I have found my magic elixir. Psilocybin works for me. Is it a placebo effect? I believe that it is not. I have read other testimony on it's healing abilities. Am I wrong for doing it this way? On my own without a doctors consent or even knowledge? Nope. If it's wrong for me to experiment with MY body to try to find help with MY pain on MY terms then I feel we need to take a huge step back. Thats how medicine was discovered in the first place right? The natives are right. The ancients knew about medicinal plants, fungus, trees, or teas. I feel it is time to trust the ancients. I feel if they didnt know what they were doing we humans may not be here at all. Kinda goofy but thats how I feel. If a mushroom will make me feel better so be it. If an herb will make me feel better so be it. If a chemical that someone else thinks will make me feel better and it does not and only  makes me sicker, then what the fuck would I want with that? Been down that road and it was very rough. I like my way much better. So does my wife, most important, and so do my sons. That is all the validation I need. The rest of society can kiss my not so hairy white ass. Dont like it? Suck it up cupcake, its my life and I'm not bothering anyone. Screw off. Right? 

  So I guess thats it for this time. I try to keep up with this is dos do me good to write shit down. Be kind to animals. Later dazz my friends keep it real...

 

Long time no see..

                                                                                                                                                                 Wow. another year since I last posted. I really need to do this more often like I was doing when I started this blog. Quick update first. I have been feeling pretty good and the fibro and the arthritis have been not terrible but not good either. The tinnitus. Well lets just say it's there. Always there. Never a break unless I stand next to those hugh amps the band uses and I dont go out that much anymore. IBS? Not bad and getting a little better as the days go by. Depression? Yea. Still there. PTSD. Oh yes it's there in a really big way and getting bigger all the time. I will discuss that one with you all at a later time. Lets see now. My youngest son Erik graduated high school the other day. Me be a proud Papa right now. Both of my children have graduated high school and my oldest, Kyle is a Hospital Corpsman in the Navy. Basically hes a certified nut, um nurse..lol. Erik has plans for the Navy also. I am so happy that they have done something for their future and have long range plans. I never had long range plans and pretty much took life as it came to me.
   Now I have some more great news. I caught up with a very close friend from my teenage years. Well much more than friend as she was my high school love. I say high school because she was in and I had left high school, but was still that age.We connected on Facebook and I talked on the phone recently with her. In 2 days we spent over 10 hours on the phone. It felt really wonderful to play catch up with her. Her name is Debbie. Such a beautiful name. I have always loved that name.
    Now for the hard part. Debbie popped up and my life almost fell apart, well not my life but my psyche certainly did. My emotions this past weekend have been all over the board. I have cried, I have laughed, I am happy and I am confused. I dont know why I'm confused I just am. I loved Debbie with all my heart when I was with her. I trusted her and I cherished her. I just didn't have work or an education so I couldn't treat her like I wanted to do or how she deserved to be treated. We both had rough childhoods and we both grew up in the same community. We trusted and as far I'm concerned I still trust her. With my life and my heart. I dont trust easy but you all know that already. We talked I cried, she might have also. I found her. I have been kinda looking for her for 35 years and now I have found her and I dont know what to do. I know what I have to do and I know what I have to remain. But I just dont know how to handle this. Debbie has the ball. I do not plan on doing something stoopid and leaving my wife or anything. That decision is in my wifes ball park.  That road has been pretty rocking more or less since i had my meltdowns and started flipping out. I got really angry at her for no other reason than me trying to wrap my mind around my disabilities. That was and is still pretty damn hard to do.I took my anger with myself out on my wife and I feel I may have fucked it all up between us. It doesnt feel the same anymore. I love my wife more than life but it doesnt feel right
  Poof! here comes Debbie. Wow what a rush. I'm already making mistakes with her. Why cant I just do something or be someone without fucking it all up?? That shit pisses me off. I could fuck up a wet dream. Yea, like I have had one of those in 40 years. Thing is i still love Debbie. She was my first love and she will always be my first love. I mentioned in a post a couple years back about a lady I met in treatment and we had an experience together and I said something about having more than one soulmate. I said I have 3. Here's the line up in order of my soul mates. Debbie, Martha, and that lady in treatment. Oh how I wish I could remember her name.                                                                                                                          At this point I will do everything I need to do to keep Debbie in my life. I can have her as a friend and I would be good with that. Thats not what I truly and honesty want but that is how it must be. I can love both. I have plenty of that to go around but I can only be with one. As much as I would want to be with Debbie, I am with Martha. That is the way it is. I can not, nor do I want to change that. Life is truly unfair. I will never get what i want and I kinda resigned myself to that one a very long time ago. Why would it be any different now? Never got want I needed or wanted as a child why would I think I'd get it as an adult?? It really pisses me off.                                                                                                                                                           Debbie still loves me maybe as she did then? i dont know. She told me she still loves me and I certainly believe her. Here we are back at life happens and it did not happen for us. Sometimes I wonder if I would have fucked up a relationship with Debbie as I have done with every other one I've ever had? Probably. Thats what i do best. Fuck up my relationships. Then I worked on fucking up my jobs. Mmm I must be a fuck up huh?? No I dont really feel that way about life in general, but I do feel that way about my relationships. Fuckity fuck fuck.  What do I do now Sonny??
 Page break.
 I know, but I dont know. I am going to a Deadhead fest first weekend in Jun. 7 days from now. I use these fests or at least this one as I only go to one a year besides this year I doing 2, to try to get my head on straight. I trip out on shrooms and I let my hair down and have a good time. I decided that this year will be the last year i will invite any of my current friends. I have festie friends and I will party like I did as a teenager and my festie friends can see that, not my home friends. My home friends dont need to see me that way. I never party myself to an out of control state but I dont want them to worry if I get a little too tripped out. That is what I'm there for and this year I am going for a grand event. I am looking for a spiritual event.I need an experience close to what I had in treatment. I have to set a different stage and a different state of mind but I will eventually find it. I probably wont cum in pants this time but hey, if that happens I'll take that too.
 I need this event really bad. It was an extremely rough winter for me. The weather decided to get all Wisconsin on us and it was bad. The weather kicked my ass in a big way. It was cold and brutal. Lots of storms and low pressure systems went through. The cold was the worst. I couldn't spend any time outside at all without have skin fire. 30 seconds outside in below zero temps sets any of my exposed skin on fire. I have been burned so I know how that feels. Fuck that shit. The weather is suppose to be great for the fest and I am getting pretty damn excited to go. I'm taking Erik and my good friend Kevin. It will be a great time as long as I can keep Kevins mind out of the past, yea like i dont have my own past demons to deal with, I will not go into that at anytime sorry. I keep my friends confidentiality.
  I may have fucked up a few days ago and I kinda off handily asked Debbie to the fest in Aug. My treat. I'm pretty sure we both misunderstood my intentions. I want to party and talk and hug and dance, I never really danced with her, and I dont do that very well either but it would be nice, and play catch up with Deb and I'm sure a 4 day music fest is simply not enough time.
 Wow, way to just ramble huh? I let a lot out in this one and I havent read it yet. Not sure I want to read it. I might edit it if I do. Kinda defeats the purpose of writing it down dont ch tink?? Mom never told me there would be days like this. Bullshit, she most certainly said there would be days like this. A lot of them. Thanks Mom, love you.                                                                                                                                                       I suppose.   I'm starting to get crabbers claw and typing is getting difficult.
     I really hope Deb can make the fest. I need to talk to her. Happy trails my friends. Its been a long strange trip indeed. see ya on the flip side.....