Tuesday.

  There I'll make it red and bold. That would signify anger. I hate anger. I had anger when I was a child and into my young adult hood. I worked pretty hard to get rid of my anger and a year or so after my Mom was killed I was finally able to find my way. I haven't told many people this story but I will put it out here now and forever I guess. It's been more than 20 years since I went through drug treatment. I had checked my self into treatment after I was suspended from my job after failing a drug test. Yea i know my bad but they just didn't have all the cool stuff for getting around those things like they do now. Anyway I had been in treatment for about a week and a half maybe and I had meet a woman who checked herself in after being inspired by a story I had told. I think she had been there about a week when she came up and asked if we could go some where and chat. Being the constant gentleman that I tried to be I said of course. I really don't remember what we talked about but I do know that I listened more than I talked and she asked if she could hold me and pray to her higher power through me. She wanted me to be the go between because she did not believe in God. At that point in time I did not believe in God either. Not sure I do now either but we shall save that for another day. Now I'm not going to mention names as this is a public forum and I am not making it that secure. Plus I think I forgot her name. Well now I let her do her praying and I suppose that I joined her after a few seconds. Now here's where it starts to get  little strange. I was holding her and I had my eyes closed and I started to feel the most wonderful feeling I had ever had slowly wash over my body. I don't know to this day how to describe it other than other worldly. It felt strange and wonderful. We both ended up in tears and she told me that she had had a very strange feeling go through her also.Now I'm not one to believe in spirits or ghost's or what not but that was a very real rush. At that point in time I didn't believe in myself much less any kind of a God so I was just a little freaked out. After we held each other for what seemed like a pretty long time she gave me a nice kiss and said good night. Right after that I went to the chapel. I kneel ed down in front of the altar. Looking up at the small statue of Jesus I told him to prove it. Well he did in the form of a spiritual vision. I saw Jesus in my mind at the front of my head. As if it were a projector casting him against the inside of my forehead. I will swear to this until the day I die. What happens after that is any ones guess. I don't remember how long I was in that chapel but I do know I was moved in a really strange way. I like to call it my God Rush. Yea I know I said I wasn't sure I believed in God. Well I'm not. I did see Jesus in my vision and I will believe in Him. In the grand scheme of things is it possible to have 2 soul mates? I believe that we can have as many soul mates as we can fill our heart with. I have 3. Well I have told that story and now it's in print. It's in cyberspace forever. I don't know why I told that but I did and it made me feel a little better. I think. See I do know why I told this story. I needed a shot of faith and a little reminder about anger and how to deal with it and maybe that did it. So for now it's time to wish you a fare the well and may your sails be full and the seas calm.  Arrr.   

Just Another Day

I'll use blue today for my font color. I feel a little blue so it only seems right. I still don't know what to think about with this hearing postponment. I do know that I sure don't like it. Sunday I had a hearing date and time. Locked right in. The fact that they cancelled me and said we will get back to you really floored me. I never expected that at all. Now I feel like I'm back to square one. I have no reason to believe that I will get another hearing date any time soon. I have been rescheduled twice now and they have also changed judges. My advocate told me that the judge is a hard line judge. Nice huh. I can see this dragging out for a couple of more years or something. Well I get to see Nancy tomorrow so that should help my mood a little. I should be sitting at home waiting for a phone call from who ever is going to call me back. I am expecting calls from my Congressman, my Attorny and a guy from the Chicago social secruity pr office. I am going to keep on stirring up shit too. This is gone on long enough. The goverment of the country I love so much has basicly stabbed me and my family in the back. We are being told that we are liers. I have a file 5 or 6 inches thick and they say that they lost some of my medical records. Bullshit I think they just over booked and the judge would have been late for fucking lunch or some thing. What can I do? Not a damn thing. Nothing, zilch. nada, Fuck you very much now go home. Thats how I felt Monday. Sheeesh. I'm going home I'm hungry and I don't feel good at all. Later days compadre.     
  

SSDI Hearing

Oh boy am I pissed. My hearing was reschudeled for an unknown time yesterday. Now What do I do next. Good question. Now its going to be even longer before I even know if I get approved. What a bunch of dicks. I'm just too upset to do this right now. I'll get back to this thing a little later. See ya later gator. Ha bye..

Another Sunny Day

Today's weather is nice and sunny. I feel pretty good today too. My hands and fingers hurt but that's getting to be par for the course. And no I don't play golf. Golf is for, well never mind that. So my fibro seems to be pretty calm today but the arthritis is flaming me pretty bad. Go figure. If its not one thing its another. When it rains it pours.No not today. I'm in good spirits and almost all of my body feels pretty good. I was even motivated enough to go through some old files and shred some of those old files. Shredded paper makes wonderful dirt after being buried for about 2 months. Its really easy too all you need is hole in the yard( I dug mine about 18 inches square or so and about 2 feet deep or so. I have added all kinds of compost matter some water and shredded paper. Whala out comes dirt. Good old fashioned soil. It even smells like soil. Ok my hands hurt too much for this today so its going to be a short post. Weather stats are next. 
 Conditions   Sunny.
 Temp.          41 F
 Feels like     38 F
 Dew Point   20 F
 Humidity     45 %
 Wind          sw @ 5 mph
 Barometer  30.26 inches
   I guess that will be good for now.  Good night Mrs. Calabash wherever you are. 

7 days and counting

Only 7 days until my hearing for SSDI. 3 years Ive waited and now its down to the wire. 3 years of pain and suffering. Nightmares and night sweats. Damn I try so hard not to think about it but it always sneaks in. Next Monday at noon. They could not have picked a better time. High Noon there cowboy. Be in front of the Last Chance Saloon for you hearing. Damn sounds way too much like a bad western movie. We'll meet at high noon for your last chance to prove your self in front of a very suspecting and paranoid government. I think that if "they" are going to keep trak of us, and you know they do, then they should have everything in one file. That way they can look at your "life file" and see if you've been a good citizen. Instead "they" try to make things easy by making it as hard as possible. I've had to expose my entire working life for the last 15 years to them as if they didnt already know. Ive had to keep chasing after medical records and then sharing all those records with who knows how many people. Yea there are a whol bunch of safe guards in place so info doesn't get leaked or lost, but ya know, things happen and stuff gets "lost" or stolen or info get out. I don't like having my life exposed like it has been and I'm sure no one else does either. I suppose I shouldn't get started on an anti-government rant. I'm going to try to remember to include the weather stats for that day. Maybe I can track how I feel a little better. 
      Today I feel pretty good so far. I don't feel that pressure on me that I feel when the weather is bad or even just overcast cloudy. My mood is good and my body is kinda good. My hands hurt like hell but I'm getting used to that. Mostly. 
   Sunny 
   50 degrees 
   21 degrees dewpoint
   33% humidity
   30.15 inches barometer
  18 mph west wind   
       Ok I'm done for a little bit. My hands hurt too much and I'm losing track of my thought's. Be seein ya later pardner. Happy trails to you.