Long time no see..

                                                                                                                                                                 Wow. another year since I last posted. I really need to do this more often like I was doing when I started this blog. Quick update first. I have been feeling pretty good and the fibro and the arthritis have been not terrible but not good either. The tinnitus. Well lets just say it's there. Always there. Never a break unless I stand next to those hugh amps the band uses and I dont go out that much anymore. IBS? Not bad and getting a little better as the days go by. Depression? Yea. Still there. PTSD. Oh yes it's there in a really big way and getting bigger all the time. I will discuss that one with you all at a later time. Lets see now. My youngest son Erik graduated high school the other day. Me be a proud Papa right now. Both of my children have graduated high school and my oldest, Kyle is a Hospital Corpsman in the Navy. Basically hes a certified nut, um nurse..lol. Erik has plans for the Navy also. I am so happy that they have done something for their future and have long range plans. I never had long range plans and pretty much took life as it came to me.
   Now I have some more great news. I caught up with a very close friend from my teenage years. Well much more than friend as she was my high school love. I say high school because she was in and I had left high school, but was still that age.We connected on Facebook and I talked on the phone recently with her. In 2 days we spent over 10 hours on the phone. It felt really wonderful to play catch up with her. Her name is Debbie. Such a beautiful name. I have always loved that name.
    Now for the hard part. Debbie popped up and my life almost fell apart, well not my life but my psyche certainly did. My emotions this past weekend have been all over the board. I have cried, I have laughed, I am happy and I am confused. I dont know why I'm confused I just am. I loved Debbie with all my heart when I was with her. I trusted her and I cherished her. I just didn't have work or an education so I couldn't treat her like I wanted to do or how she deserved to be treated. We both had rough childhoods and we both grew up in the same community. We trusted and as far I'm concerned I still trust her. With my life and my heart. I dont trust easy but you all know that already. We talked I cried, she might have also. I found her. I have been kinda looking for her for 35 years and now I have found her and I dont know what to do. I know what I have to do and I know what I have to remain. But I just dont know how to handle this. Debbie has the ball. I do not plan on doing something stoopid and leaving my wife or anything. That decision is in my wifes ball park.  That road has been pretty rocking more or less since i had my meltdowns and started flipping out. I got really angry at her for no other reason than me trying to wrap my mind around my disabilities. That was and is still pretty damn hard to do.I took my anger with myself out on my wife and I feel I may have fucked it all up between us. It doesnt feel the same anymore. I love my wife more than life but it doesnt feel right
  Poof! here comes Debbie. Wow what a rush. I'm already making mistakes with her. Why cant I just do something or be someone without fucking it all up?? That shit pisses me off. I could fuck up a wet dream. Yea, like I have had one of those in 40 years. Thing is i still love Debbie. She was my first love and she will always be my first love. I mentioned in a post a couple years back about a lady I met in treatment and we had an experience together and I said something about having more than one soulmate. I said I have 3. Here's the line up in order of my soul mates. Debbie, Martha, and that lady in treatment. Oh how I wish I could remember her name.                                                                                                                          At this point I will do everything I need to do to keep Debbie in my life. I can have her as a friend and I would be good with that. Thats not what I truly and honesty want but that is how it must be. I can love both. I have plenty of that to go around but I can only be with one. As much as I would want to be with Debbie, I am with Martha. That is the way it is. I can not, nor do I want to change that. Life is truly unfair. I will never get what i want and I kinda resigned myself to that one a very long time ago. Why would it be any different now? Never got want I needed or wanted as a child why would I think I'd get it as an adult?? It really pisses me off.                                                                                                                                                           Debbie still loves me maybe as she did then? i dont know. She told me she still loves me and I certainly believe her. Here we are back at life happens and it did not happen for us. Sometimes I wonder if I would have fucked up a relationship with Debbie as I have done with every other one I've ever had? Probably. Thats what i do best. Fuck up my relationships. Then I worked on fucking up my jobs. Mmm I must be a fuck up huh?? No I dont really feel that way about life in general, but I do feel that way about my relationships. Fuckity fuck fuck.  What do I do now Sonny??
 Page break.
 I know, but I dont know. I am going to a Deadhead fest first weekend in Jun. 7 days from now. I use these fests or at least this one as I only go to one a year besides this year I doing 2, to try to get my head on straight. I trip out on shrooms and I let my hair down and have a good time. I decided that this year will be the last year i will invite any of my current friends. I have festie friends and I will party like I did as a teenager and my festie friends can see that, not my home friends. My home friends dont need to see me that way. I never party myself to an out of control state but I dont want them to worry if I get a little too tripped out. That is what I'm there for and this year I am going for a grand event. I am looking for a spiritual event.I need an experience close to what I had in treatment. I have to set a different stage and a different state of mind but I will eventually find it. I probably wont cum in pants this time but hey, if that happens I'll take that too.
 I need this event really bad. It was an extremely rough winter for me. The weather decided to get all Wisconsin on us and it was bad. The weather kicked my ass in a big way. It was cold and brutal. Lots of storms and low pressure systems went through. The cold was the worst. I couldn't spend any time outside at all without have skin fire. 30 seconds outside in below zero temps sets any of my exposed skin on fire. I have been burned so I know how that feels. Fuck that shit. The weather is suppose to be great for the fest and I am getting pretty damn excited to go. I'm taking Erik and my good friend Kevin. It will be a great time as long as I can keep Kevins mind out of the past, yea like i dont have my own past demons to deal with, I will not go into that at anytime sorry. I keep my friends confidentiality.
  I may have fucked up a few days ago and I kinda off handily asked Debbie to the fest in Aug. My treat. I'm pretty sure we both misunderstood my intentions. I want to party and talk and hug and dance, I never really danced with her, and I dont do that very well either but it would be nice, and play catch up with Deb and I'm sure a 4 day music fest is simply not enough time.
 Wow, way to just ramble huh? I let a lot out in this one and I havent read it yet. Not sure I want to read it. I might edit it if I do. Kinda defeats the purpose of writing it down dont ch tink?? Mom never told me there would be days like this. Bullshit, she most certainly said there would be days like this. A lot of them. Thanks Mom, love you.                                                                                                                                                       I suppose.   I'm starting to get crabbers claw and typing is getting difficult.
     I really hope Deb can make the fest. I need to talk to her. Happy trails my friends. Its been a long strange trip indeed. see ya on the flip side.....