Random Thoughts

It's Sunday and it's also cloudy and drizzly. Day 2 of Wisconsin's deer season. I don't hunt nor do I care to learn. I feel that stage of my life passed me by. Do I regret not learning how to hunt? No. If people want to hunt that's fine with me. It's just not my cup of joe. I do have a nice little gun collection though. But that's just what it is. A collection. I collect older military weapons. I started with a couple old Russian bolt action rifles and it kinda keeps on going. If I find something a little different or old and not expensive then I will try to buy it. I have 6 rifles ranging from 22 ca. up to 7.62. My wife has a vintage shot gun and a derringer. The derringer is the only new gun Ive bought, more as a novelty and collectible than anything else. My youngest son has a deer rifle. I also have a revolver. An 80 year old Russian. All my firearms are in perfect working order too. I will not buy junk just because it is old. They have to go boom when you pull the trigger.
    Firing a large caliber firearm is pretty exciting. Not like, get my dick hard exciting but not like driving fast either. I can't explain it. I guess you either know or you don't. You need to fire one to find out I guess. I like to shoot. I like the feel of the gun and I like having my revolver on my belt. I really like it when I hit the target.     Shooting is kinda of an expensive hobby though. Thats one reason I like the old Russian stuff. Ammo is dirt cheap. Maybe it is time for me to buy a couple of older American military firearms. I would like to get an M-14 and or an M-1.  I prefer rifles over hand guns though. I don't know why. Maybe because I'm a better shot with a rifle. Maybe because rifles are just a tad safer than handguns. If you can say firearms are safe. And they are actually, it's the person behind it that is unsafe.  Every one needs a hobby right? I just happen to chose firearms and shooting. I used to build model cars but I guess I outgrew that.
   Shooting can be a ton of fun, but with the arthritis and the fibro pulling the trigger can be very painful. Not to mention the sound and the recoil. I know how to hold a rifle so the recoil really isn't too big a deal but I do feel it through my whole body. So I don't go out as much as I'd like. And now it's getting cold out so I will probably clean and oil all my firearms for the winter. That's the down side of shooting. Having to clean the firearm after shooing it. Tedious but kinda fun. A clean firearm is less likely to jam too. It is time once again to close out and sign out. Farewell my friends, until we meet again. Have a wonderful day..

Another Flare up

It's been awhile since I posted. Time seems to have grown wings or should I say jet engines. The months went by that fast.My trip went well. I have a lot of pics and memories. I had fun most of the time but I was battling with fibro pain and maybe some prescription drug problems. I quit all but one of my scrips. I do feel much better. Mostly. I've bee riding a flare up for 4 days now and that is making me just a little bummed out. I hate that. I want to do things and get ready for winter but, nooo I have to be sick. I try so hard to keep upbeat and not show my, just what the hell are we suppose to call this? It's not a disease. Syndrome sounds too much like a movie. Although sometimes, well all the time I wish it were a movie. Some cheesy sci-fi flick from the 60s.
     So I do my best to hide this. That is what is expected of me. I am suppose to be a "man".  I am suppose to do the "man up" thing. Ya know screw that. I hurt. All the time. Every waking moment. Sleeping ones to, I'm sure. It hurts to fix my tea in the morning. Damn it hurts to get out of bed, yet I do. I get out of bed and I do what I do. But that does not mean I don't hurt. It hurts to have my arms above my head. Reaching for something up high. It hurts to bend over. It hurts to walk the puppy. More ways than just physical too. It hurts to type this. But I do it. I do what I can. I tire very easy. But I try to keep going. When asked how I'm doing I almost always say I'm doing great or at least good. Even though I may be sick a hell or tired I still try to keep it hidden. I hate that.  Why should I have to hide anything?? I am an adult. But I still have to hide my feelings. My irritation with something is always misconstrued as severe anger. No. My illness or syndrome is misconstrued as laziness. Why? Are we as humans so afraid of some one that is not as healthy as the rest of the population?
     I made a comment one night at the bar about being disabled and not being able to do much except sit at home and smoke weed. So I get a really dirty look and a comment from a guy that went something like this. " You mean to tell me that you sit around all day smoking weed and collecting disability?"  I said "yea pretty much." He said why should his tax dollars go to support that. I said that for one thing his tax dollars have nothing to do with it. Two things. I worked all my life at hard labor kind of jobs and I paid my share of fica. Thats what I am collecting right now. Not your tax dollars. I did not comment on the fact that he had to weigh in at some where north of 300# plus he had a beer and was stuffing a very large and nasty looking garbage pizza in his face, while sucking on a cigarette . Just another redneck witch burner. It will be his turn sooner than he thinks. I have no room in my life for people like that. 
    So, because of that kind of attitude out there I no longer volunteer info on what is wrong with me or my body. I even try to derail the subject if it comes up. I will turn the conversation around to something other than my disability's. I have had to learn the same lesson over and over. I simply can not talk about what is bothering me or how I feel about certain subjects. Hence the blog I guess.  I have even told some people that I work for the US government and I can not talk about it. They laugh but I get a chance to change the subject. What ever works the best I guess. So I shall end this post because it's time to go get something for lunch.
       May we all meet in the clearing at the end of the path...


   

Vacation is getting close

I thought that I would post something a little more up beat than I have been. I am going to be taking a 10 to 14 day vacation in May. Just about 10 days away now. I am going to use this time to try to find myself again. I am going to my sisters for a few days and then I am going to drive off into the mountains and start looking for my inner self,as it were.
        I will have an itineray and I will stick to it mostly. I might change highways in the middle of the day but my destination will be the same as I have planned. I am pretty much going to drive straight to my sisters. I have both my stops planned and I have reservations for motels. After I leave my sis's I will head towards the Grand Tetons and I'll stop for a night in Jackson Wy.  before I drive through Teton Natl. Park and then Yellowstone. I plan on staying in Cody Wy for a couple of days maybe. It might be super cool. All cowboy and rodeos and stuff like that. I get into old west stuff. Pretty cool you know The Duke and Henry Fonda and even good ole Ronny Regan.
          I'll probably head home after my stay in Cody. I have responsibility's here to take care of. I will wander back on the state and US highways instead of the Interstates. It's more fun and you see way more and it's generally cheaper. I think I'll head south a little when I leave Cody and check out Devils Tower and the Badlands. I might even get by Mt. Rushmore too I don't know yet. The car is new and I have AAA and a pretty good max on my credit card so I shouldn't have any problems that I can't handle on the road. 
      Once I get to the flat lands I'm going to just hammer home. I've seen about all of the plains states that I can handle. I can make the drive from the Badlands to here in a day and a half taking my time. Maybe a day if i hurry but I'm not in a hurry. That's what this trip is about. Relaxing and taking my time. Time once again to sign off. My hand hurts lika ell and I 'm getting a little tired. Happy trails to you ,until we meet again....    

Why I'm upset.

Another blue post. Kinda had another argument with my wife today. I got irritated with my son and ended up having it out with her. I don't even know how to start this. I love my wife with all my heart and then some. I love my kids with all my heart and then some. All I want from the kids is to do what I ask when I ask. Without a ton of grief. 
       My wife is a whole nother story. I would love some understanding from her. She says she is trying but I don't see it. Maybe I can't see it. I said something to day about my pain and she comes back with this "everyone has aches and pains" Fuck I hate that. I know everyone has aches and pains. But not like this. Not 24 fucking hours a day every god damn day of the year. I do not get a day off and I do not get to relax. I do not even get the pleasure of a decent bowl movement. I do not get the joy of eating some of the food that I so love. I do not enjoy not having sexual desires. That is not just my wife either. I do not have a sexual desire for anyone. Not my wife, ( and that does hurt very much), not the cute little skinny girl at the bar or even the very hot asian bartender in Eleva. That is simply not me. I have tired to tell her that its my problem. She wont believe me. She thinks its her, because she has gained a little weight since we got married.
  I don't care if she gained some weight.( well I do care about her health). And to be very honest with myself and my friends and my wife. This has been going on with me for a very long time. Maybe more than 10 years. I keep good secrets. Why can't women take it for what it's worth. When I say it's me then damn it it is me. I have fibromyalgia. Lots of shit goes wrong with my body. And then there's times when things go wrong at the worst possible moment. Can we say an attack of IBS while out at a nice restaurant. Kinda hard to get in the mood for sex when your afraid that you'll crap yourself when you cum. There its out. Its more than gross and I fucking hate it. I spend more time on the damn pot than I care to even think about. Not to mention the pain. I have pain that gets worse when I exercise or when I get excited or when I get scared or when I get angry.
Exercise and excitement go hand in hand with sex. It is very hard to get aroused or even to think about sex when you know that even getting excited will cause some kind of pain.
      See what my wife fails to understand is that if I wanted to go out and get laid or to even have an on going affair then I could most certainly do so. I don't want that. If I want or desire sex then I will do my best to seduce my wife. Not some bar bimbo. The women around here are just a little on the pysco side anyway. Shit most times I don't even have an urge to masturbate. That is very unusual for me. I try. I try to get horny and I try to get desires. I flirt with women to see if I can get horny. Doesn't work It would be no less than embarrassing if a women took me up on my flirts and I had to back off because she really doesn't do anything for me. So is it any wonder that I get moody? I try to suck all that up but sometimes it boils over. I'm tired of writing and my wrists are killing me. I'm going to go now and try to sleep. Good night.  May the force be with you. 

Atheism or Faith?

   Well I have finally decided to broach this subject on my blog. I keep letting a little more out. I think I have already mentioned my need for weed. So now I will post a blog about my faith or lack there of. My very best friend, and I feel that we go much deeper than "friends", possibly on a spiritual level. My friend Tam wrote on her squidoo page about her friends that are religious are suggesting that she look to God for some help with her physical problems. It has been suggested that I try the same thing to see if it would help me deal with my fibro. It'll tie in just wait.
   Faith and God. See when I was a young child I was constantly being pushed hard to go to church. My aunt and uncle used to try to get me to go up and take Jesus into my heart. Now I don't know why but even at that young age I was uncomfortable with that idea. My parents always insisted that i go to church.Mom sent me to Sunday school and my step father told me I had to go to church or face punishment. I went to Sunday school. I liked it. I liked learning about Moses and the Ten Commandments. I liked learning about Jesus and Mary. Jesus died for our sins. Says so in the Bible. I believe that. I have a hard time with the resurrection thing though. That subject will lead me in another direction so I'll try to stay focused here. So I learned all this about being faithful to God and Jesus. To believe that by having faith, life would some how be better. Thats what i learned ,in short , in Sunday school. Then I would have to answer all kinds of questions about all kinds of Bible stuff and God . If I didn't know then I would get beat. If I did know I was accused of cheating and I got beat. Kinda like my school career. Even at a young age and before I even knew what the word meant I understood hypocrisy. How could I have faith in a God that allowed me to be beat for telling the truth.
        To this day I still have a hard time with being sure that someone is believing me. See I wanted to believe. I so wanted to believe. I had faith and I would pray. I would pray that he wouldn't beat my Mom. I would pray that he wouldn't beat me or come upstairs and beat me awake. I couldn't figure out why it took me so long to learn to hide under my bed or just bail out the window. Yes I did say upstairs. How could God allow this to happen? I even went to Sunday school like I was told so I could put my trust in God and Jesus. And I did. For a few years anyway. Not more than 3 or 4 years. I was a slow learner. My childhood was during the height of Viet Nam. I was made to watch the news, every night. I was to suppose to be aware of how many young Soldiers and Marines had died that day. I had to watch when there was a war crime say like the massacre at My Lai. How could God allow our Soldiers to do something like that? Then i had to go to church or Sunday school. I would pray for all the people in Viet Nam that had to live with the war in their backyard. I learned in public school about the crusades. In the Name of God. I was losing my faith in a really big hurry. I saw the news of the little Vietnamese girl who was burned by napalm. God? God doesn't allow little girls to get burned. Oh yes he does. I remember when Cathy down the street got burned. Her skin was coming off like the girl in Viet Nam. My Mom was burned when she was a little girl so I guess I'm a little sensitive to that. After Cathy got burned and after Richard got killed Richard was first then Cathy. Same family. Richard was killed by a drunk driver. Cathy was playing with a campfire and the gas spilled. Then I got beat. I got beat because Cathy got burned. Don't play with fire he said then to make a point I guess. So my faith was rapidly disappearing. As I went through my teens and saw first hand the real hypocrisy of religion and how war and God seem to go hand in hand I lost all my faith. I know now that it was when I was a teen that I lost it. My faith that is. I have lost "it" many times in my life.
        I left town and joined the Navy when I was 19 after a very turbulent adolescence. I started to get a little faith back while I was overseas. Maybe it was seeing different religions and beliefs, I don't know. I still had problems with faith though. I had relationship problems too. I watched religious families rip into each other like they were mortal enemy's. I didn't see God. I sort of coasted through life for a couple of years until I decided on learning how to drive a semi. My Mom pretty much told me I was nuts. I did it anyway. Who was I to listen to Mom right? My life now anyway. I had the chance to stay and live with my parents while I was out driving trucks. Things had gotten much worse between them. I told Mom to leave him many times. She wouldn't. I never understood that. Why would you live with someone who beat you? I prayed many times to try to get God to get my Mom to leave. He never answered. I felt abandoned. My Mom wasn't really there for me and my stepfather certainly wasn't there for me.  And God wasn't there either. My friends still died and children still get killed and hurt in war. I left again and went back to the coast. 3 weeks later I got word that my Mom had died. I had left 3 weeks earlier and my Mom was fine. she wasn't sick or in any danger when I had left. I went to a very good friends house so I could call and try to find out what happened. She knew, and I believe a few more of my friends knew before I did. I had been out of town working in Los Angles for a few days so I was out of touch. Anyway I called my aunt and I had to almost beg her to tell me what happened. She told me that my stepfather had killed my Mom in an alcoholic blackout. Turns out he was on a dry drunk. Doesn't matter does it? Where in the fuck was God that day. I had a meltdown.
            I ended up in drug treatment 8 months later. I learned about having a higher power while I was in treatment. I also learned that there were a lot of people with wrecked and broken lives. I was ok with the higher power thing for a little while until I meet a lady from OK City that told me I had inspired her to check herself into treatment. We became friends and one night she came to me and asked if i would hold her while she prayed to her non-existent God. She didn't believe any more than most of the others in treatment. I held her as she prayed and she asked if I would pray with her and I did. We held each other for what seemed like a very long time and we prayed together. Not out loud. Now being the non believer I was, I was not ready for what happened next. I felt the warmest strangest feeling I had ever had. WE held each other tighter and we became one with each other. We both had a spiritual awakening that can only be described as very spiritually orgasmic. In body and mind. We both had experienced the most wonderful orgasms ever. We talked about it many times while we were in treatment together.We had become soul mates that night and we never even got naked. I'd like to have that happen again sometime but you know. Right after that she went back to her room and I went to the chapel. I knelled down in front of the alter and prayed to Jesus. I looked right at him crucified in front of me. I told him to make me a believer. Make me see the light. I forgave my stepfather that night. I also forgave my Mom. I told the figure of Jesus to prove to me that he is real. I pretty much dared him. And that is exactly what he did. I was looking at the figure and I saw him turn his head toward me not only with my eyes but inside my head. Right against my forehead like a projector. He had blue eyes and he just looked at me. I'm not sure if he said anything but I don't think so. That was almost 25 years ago.
        In that time frame I met and married my wife and raised 2 strapping young men. I have had 7 or 8 cats and I am on my 3rd dog. He's the best though. Somewhere along the line I started having physical problems Yea I'm sure I was having mental problems too. Just ask my wife. I started going through jobs like I went through socks. Then about 5 or so years ago I was DXed with osteo arthritis in my hands and all of my fingers. Plus it has worked it's way into most every joint(not that kind) that I have. It got bad enough that i was having problems at work and ended up taking a voluntary lay off . I was told by a couple of docs that I should look for lighter work or think about disability. Yea I said , No. Too young , I was just shy of 50. My body kept getting worse and I didn't have a clue what was wrong. So i flipped my lid a lot. Yelled and screamed and fought with my wife. Never fist fought just lots of yelling and me poppin a couple holes in walls. I was on a rant. For almost 3 years. I fought SSDI I fought my wife I fought with myself. I had some serious demons. I even considered suicide. I came oh so close a couple of times and I called Tam at those times and she helped me pull through. I had a very hard time dealing with my fibro and the fact that I will not be the same physically for the rest of my life. I used to be pretty damn strong guy. Mm not so much anymore. Fibro is a predominately female syndrome. If there is a God I don't think I appreciate his sense of humor. This shit is not funny. Those of us with chronic pain and other problems never get a day off from our pain. We stagger like drunks at times while being stared at. We get sick so much our friends are afraid to call fearing that we are sick yet again. God? I don't think so. My non belief is a major sandbar in my marriage too. No worries, I hope, we will make it through this. Tam will get better and we will all live out nice long lives. Whether there is a God or not. Thank you for reading and my apologizes for such a long and mostly negative read. Peace my Friends........            

Just Another Day

I thought I would choose this color to signify spring time. I know, I mentioned it in my last post , but damn I love spring. Spring means that summer is almost here and I love summer. I love the heat and the storms. Wall clouds are exciting to see. You just never know about those guys. Sure summer has a couple of downsides. Bugs, lots of bugs. And a damn lot of those bugs are after my blood. And then there's the ones that bite or sting. Yikes ya know I can most certainly do without bug bites or stings. That shit can hurt. I also like to ride my bicycle. Except when the bugs are out. It's bad enough getting stung, but to get stung while riding is a bad scene. I went out today and rode a little and I do mean a little. Only a mile or so. Uptown to do a couple of errands and back. I live a half mile from town so with the riding around to different places I might have done a mile and a half.  As always when I first start to ride the fibro makes my legs burn like I've been doing deep knee bends for a few hours. It takes about a half a mile or so to get my legs to stop. After that then it's usually not so bad. I can suck up the rest of the pain. Well most of the time. It gets me though. 2 summers ago I took up riding for fun and pleasure and exercise. When I got into top shape, well for me anyway, I was able to ride 10 to 15 miles a day with no real trouble. My legs and arms would burn like I had tweaker bugs or something. That's when I started seeing Doctors and all that to see why my arms and legs would feel like they did. That's the best that I can come up with for description. Tweaker bugs and you know if you hold a bucket of sand at arms length. That is how my arms and legs would feel. Shit would hurt. Well it still hurts only maybe a little more now. Plus now I know what it is and I do not like it one bit. No sir not at all. I am grateful though that I could have been chosen for a much more insidious problem. Like some kind of cancer or an paralyzing injury. So there are times I try to tell myself that things could be much worse and then there are times that I think that how could things be any worse? I fight that off like a wildcat in heat when I get those thought's. I have people and pets that depend on me for support. I have friends that I like to party with and I like to go out on some weekends and dance and flirt and just have a bang up good time. And then I get sick. Kinda like I have been the last few weeks. Damn I have been on a fuc&^%$ roller coaster of ill one second sick like two puppy's the next. But I digress. I was raving about summer and I let myself wander. Ha. Ain't it cool? I am going to buy a hammock this year. That will be nice. Take a nap outside in the shade of my really huge maple tree. Damn gettin sleepy just thinkin about it. Did I ever mention in earlier post's that I was going to start documenting and talking about my scrips and my marijuana usage. The time is soon. I weaned off almost all my scrips. I just got tired of taking pills that really don't seem to do much except make me lazy and depressed. And a couple of those pills where anti-depressants. Hm go figure. I am going to work on a more natural therapy. My Doc told me to stay the course with what I am doing right now and she wants me to try the Cymbalta again in 2 weeks. She told me to keep smoking my pot and to keep on the fish oil caps. Her stance on medical marijuana is she is neither for nor against. Her position will not let her write a prescription when it does become legal. I can understand that. I will find a doc for a weed scrip if and when the time comes. Well my hands are again starting to bother me so I will sign off and bid you all a fond fare thee well. Keep the shiny side up and have a safe trip amigos.     

Spring

Spring seems to be happening at record speed this year. I'm not bitching mind you just commenting. I love it. The sooner I  can go around with less clothing the better off I am. I love the spring. It has to be almost my favorite time of year. Everything that's nature is new or regrowing. Life is being revitalized. Animals are having or are going to be having their babies and new plants are coming up all over. My grass is even starting to green up. Yes. Yard work . I like doing yard work too. Yea I know imagine that. I hated that when I was a kid. Damn I have so much to do. I have been putting off a lot of work due to not having the money to get what I need. Now I can start buying what i need a little at a time and start getting my yard into some kind of order. I want to build a patio with a brick bbq grill and oven. Not a gas one either. I'll do a wood/charcoal burner. I know what I want I just need to draw up some plans and shop around to see how it's going to work. I'm going to town tomorrow to get a few yard things and some diatomaceous earth. Cool stuff. You should read up on it sometime. Fleas and ticks and all sorts of other bugs don't handle it so well. Plus it is not a chemical. I don't like chemicals. Bad news that stuff. So last week or so I decided to stop taking some of my pills. Yep. After I had some severe problems weaning off of Lyrica I thought to myself that the drugs are really not doing a lot of good so I am going to ditch them slowly but surely. I don't feel that I need 3 different anti-depressants. Too much, so no more and after almost two weeks of being sick from either or both and I am sure it is both a mild flu like thing and withdrawals from various pills I am starting to feel much better now. Thank you. I've been out with my puppy 3 days in a row now and he's starting to not get as excited. That is a good thing. I was able to actually stop at the sign in town without him barking in my ear. It was kinda hot today and him not being used to it I took it easy and just had him do sit and stay drills. It is a challenge to my patients at times but he does real good and he is usually eager to learn. Mostly because he thinks his learning and work is play. That does make it much easier. I let him teach me thing too so that helps me teach him. I love teaching that dog so much. As a service dog he is already doing his job. His main job is keeping me calmed down. Then I will teach him a couple of other neat service dog things, like how to pick up my keys or whatever I might happen to drop. I am going to teach him to open doors also. That will come in most handy. Not to mention every time he barks at some one walking or biking down the street he tells them hes here. Best at home security ever. I can even leave my keys in my car or truck with him and I am pretty sure the vehicle will still be there when I get back. lol. Lots of work but so far very rewarding. My fibro pain bother me quite a bit but its easier to ignore when i am working with the dog. Although he makes me sore at times it helps me sleep and that helps with my fibro. Plus I get some exercise and that help with my fibro. mm Seem like I just said that. Plus the dog stays active and it gets him tired and a tired pup is a good pup. Being a German Shepherd Dog he needs daily exercise to keep him from getting bored. Bored GSD's can be a handful. He's 5 and a half months old now and he weighs in at about 52 last week or so when I took him to the vet. That's not even half way there in weight for him. He should come in around 140 or so when he's full grown.  Yes I know. Big dog.  At that i shall leave you for now. My hands and fingers are hurting lika ell mon , you know. Maybe not. Gooood night Chicago I love you .......not really.  Ha ha.... Peace.               

Pain is not my Friend

Temp. 43 degrees
Humidity 97%
Dew Point 42 degrees
Pressure 29.04

       Ugh.... Ya know when I as younger I was taught that as a man you need to ignore pain.I was raised that no matter how bad it hurt or how hard you got hit you must never cry. Ever. I was that kid that didn't cry. I am the only person that I know that didn't cry when Ol Yeller died. Well my point being is that a couple days ago I rubbed, mind you just rubbed the side/top of my foot against the carpet. It hurt like hell when I did that. Put tears in my eyes. So the rest of that night and most of yesterday my foot hurt really bad. Now get this. I have a bruise that covers almost half my foot. Today my foot hurts pretty bad and the bruise is still there but not as noticeable. So now there's one more thing that is wrong with my body. It's bad enough that my feet hurt so much sometimes but now are they going to bruise every time I brush against something? I was just starting to get used to one thing then there's something else. Sheesh. I suppose if I look at it one way things could be oh so much worse. It's really hard to wrap my mind around some times. Fuck man I used to move furniture and other demanding kind of jobs. Now if I can walk my puppy in the back yard more than twice a day then I am doing pretty damn good. Sometimes I can just hate what has happened to me or should I say my body. I read some where not too long ago that a man with fibromyalgia said that in some strange way that if his pain just all of a sudden stopped that he would miss it. I can understand that line of thought. I can also understand the saying that goes something like my pain doesn't hurt anymore. See I guess one gets used to a certain amount of pain. Kinda like getting used to cold weather? Naw.  I can ignore it most of the time and sometimes I can even make like I'm not really sick when I am. Just like I used to be able to look like I was warm and toasty when in fact I was freezing my ass off. I don't know. Well I did figure out why I've been feeling crappy the last couple days. I dropped down too fast on one of my meds. I was suppose to be coming down from 400mg a day to 350 to 250 and so forth until I am done.  Well..... oh dopey me skipped a couple hundred mgs the last couple days and I have been suffering the effects of withdrawal. I caught back up a little tonight and I feel much better. Plus I was able to eat and that helped a ton. Sometimes I can't eat. I get to were I am hungry to the point of being sick and there's nothing that I can handle. I don't throw up, but sometimes the nausea is pretty bad. Oh boy its like a roller coaster. Well I think it is time to close this out and smoke some more medicinal.   Semper Fi.

The Weather

Temp 39 degrees 
Humidity   100%
Dew Point is 39 degrees
Pressure is 29.62 & raising.
A Dense Fog Advisory is in Effect until 9 A.M.

  Well as you can see the weather is pretty crappy out. The low pressure isn't stopped by my walls like the wind and the rain are. I'm pretty sure it's the weather now that goes a long way to making me sick. Although that is not the only way or thing that can make me sick. Damn I hate feeling crappy 8 days of the week. A lot of times I feel bad but I don't let anyone know I'm sick. Way too much of what I want to get done is not getting done. And I don't hold out much hope for tomorrow either. I am going to try to get the puppy up town in the morning before lunch. Hopefully any way. But for now I am going to sign off. I shall continue this some other time.  

Another Day in Paradise.

Ok so today was pretty rough.I was able to get my puppy out side for some training and some running. That was good. The weather wasn't the best today at all. I'll put all that info down at the end of my post.I have been having problems with my fibro, damn I hate calling it mine. I don't want it so why should I call it mine? Anyway I have been haveing problems lately with this shit. I don't know if the fibro is getting worse or the Lyrica is not working or am I beginning to get resistant to the Lyrica? I have seen both my GP, Shes so nice. And I have seen my neurologist.Both in the last two weeks. Neither one had an answer. So my neurologist and I decided to change from Lyrica to Cymbalta.  I have to wean off the Lyrica while at the same time ladder up with the Cymbalta. Damn I am tired of these pills. I went to my first support group meeting last night. I was the only man there. So they are right about one thing. 9 out of 10 fibro sufferers are women. I am going to try to get it together enough to try to start a group here. Crap ya know trying to type with arthritis in my hands is bad enough but when my, no not my, fibro is acting up it makes it really hard to type. Or do anything with my hands. I am going to have to finish this later or just start a new post. Damn I am feeling sick like hell right now. That and my hands are just about done for the day. So I shall bid you all a fond fare thee well.. I shall do the weather some other time.

Another Day

   Damn I can't believe how bad I have been feeling today. It's like everything hurts plus I am on the nausea coaster from hell. I would almost rather have the flu. At least then I'd have a reason for being sick. I really wanted to take my puppy up town for some training today. That would have been fun. Oh well maybe tomorrow after my massage. The winter is starting to lose its grip. There's less snow and more of the summer birds are starting to show up. Oh boy oh boy oh boy summers comin. Yes. It will feel nice to have the sun on my skin again. Sometimes I sit on the floor by our front door and soak up as much sun as I can stand. The sun is higher in the sky now so that little pleasure is gone again until next year. Well hopefully this change in drugs will help(still sounds like I'm sneaking something behind someones back. It's like "Hey Dude man, give me a joint ya know man" ha ha lol) So I asked on Facebook once that if you like the music on the Cymbalta commercial did that mean you were depressed? Ha he who laughs last. Now I have a scrip for Cymbalta. Ah ha. Nope not for depression,but for fibromyalgia. Well now isn't that a hoot. Fucking fibromyalgia. Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends. That how it is with my pain. I get so f-Ina irritated at it. I read a short paper from another gentleman with fibro. He stated that he has had this pain so long that if it truly went away that he was afraid that he would miss it. Like an old friend I guess. Same with cigarettes. Hey old hoss my friend don't leave me now I'm afraid of what it will be like with out you. Please why don't you stay a little longer. Fuck that ya know. Yes I know I started swearing in my post's. Sorry. I started smoking cigs again when I drink too. That might stop when Wisconsin bans smoking every where. Anyway I am certainly not comfortable with that thought. Oh no the pain's gone. What do I do now Sonny?? Not to be a fatalist or anything but I couldn't help thinking a few days ago what summer was going to be like. I mean the winter weather fronts(doesn't seem to matter what kind of front) have been pretty rough on me this season. Oh boy. But at least the summer fronts have a tendency to move through a little faster. Worse weather fronts but faster. Damn I cant win for lose with the weather. Crap too bad I can't bet on the pony's on line. Well not legally anyway. Mm Never thought of that before. Naaa I'll get myself in a whole world of hurt that way. Ya know I think I started out writing tonight with a point and now I can't remember just what that point might be. Yea I don't feel like reading it again. I will but not now. I have this new touch screen computer. Pretty cool. I can do everything by just touching the screen. Although that has proven to be painful to do for too long. It hurts my arm to hold them up for very long. Like about 5 minutes if I really suck it up and force myself to hold my arms up that long. Its more like two or three minutes. After typing this out my fingers and hands are pretty sore so I think that I shall sign out for now. Have a good night my fellow fibro mites. Happy trails to you.      

Friendly Places

I thought I might try to post a few links to some really good fibromyalgia and chronic pain sites. One is my own message board. You can check it out stop in and say hi or just read the little bit that I have posted. That will be the first link that I post . Well it is my message board.      
                        http://eauclairefibrocp.messageforums.net/

It's Been too Long.

I haven't posted here since I was rescheduled for my disability hearing. Well to make a long story somewhat shorter I finally had my hearing and the Judge approved my case right at the hearing. Kinda rare but I guess it happens. So now I am approved and I am receiving my monthly check. I still need to get my retro pay but I don't worry near as much as I was. Whew ya know. Since then we have bought a dog, yep a full blood German Shepherd Dog. A big one too. He is still a pup and not even close to full size. I am training him to be my service dog. He can open some doors pick thing up for me and if I really need him to he can brace for me. A little more on him later. My fibro has been running as usual during the time I haven't posted until just a month or two ago. Now I really don't know if I am having a flare or if the fibro is getting worse or the Lyrica is not doing it's job. I saw Dr. Eddy Fri and then on Mon I saw Dr. More. Dr. More is my neurologist and Dr Eddy is my gp. More is taking me off Lyrica and putting me on Cymbalta. We shall see how that goes. I really don't like having fibro. It can be a real drag on life. I go in for a massage on Fri. Boy I can hardy wait for that. Mm I'm not being sarcastic either. I'm also going to book a day spa kinda thingy. That will be soooo nice. I am also going to look into tanning booths. MMmm You ask why? Well for me I seem to respond real well to heat related therapy. Well at least it feels really good when I have the sun on my skin or I am in a warm to almost hot shower. I am also going to check out some hydro therapy But that cost 35.$ a session also. The massage is 33 for an hour too so I guess I have to find a balance. Now I can chase down a therapy that may work. I am getting paid and now we can afford for me to try different things. Maybe even accu puncture. Maybe.. lol. And out of the closet I come with my medical marijuana. Yep I confess. I smoke pot for the pain and for the psychological benefit. Keeps me on a mostly even keel. That and all the other drugs that I am taking. Gee Ma look I ended up taking drugs after all. Fu&*. I wish Wisconsin would get with the program here. We need a legal way to help our own pain management. And if I want to smoke pot then, damn that just what I intend on doing. Can't be any worse than Oxycontin or morphine. And I don't have any thing for my arthritis pain. Capsasion she says. Yea maybe I'll try that again when my arthritis flares up. Like right now. I am typing and that really kills my hands and fingers. I do try to resist as many drugs as I can. I do  have a few anti depressants and a couple of anti anxiety pills also. The fibro still hurts. I haven't been here so for so long I almost feel bad. lol. Kinda like not seeing a good friend for a long time. One nice thing about a blog I guess is that I can leave and come back later and post some more. See ya all later muchacos.