Atheism or Faith?

   Well I have finally decided to broach this subject on my blog. I keep letting a little more out. I think I have already mentioned my need for weed. So now I will post a blog about my faith or lack there of. My very best friend, and I feel that we go much deeper than "friends", possibly on a spiritual level. My friend Tam wrote on her squidoo page about her friends that are religious are suggesting that she look to God for some help with her physical problems. It has been suggested that I try the same thing to see if it would help me deal with my fibro. It'll tie in just wait.
   Faith and God. See when I was a young child I was constantly being pushed hard to go to church. My aunt and uncle used to try to get me to go up and take Jesus into my heart. Now I don't know why but even at that young age I was uncomfortable with that idea. My parents always insisted that i go to church.Mom sent me to Sunday school and my step father told me I had to go to church or face punishment. I went to Sunday school. I liked it. I liked learning about Moses and the Ten Commandments. I liked learning about Jesus and Mary. Jesus died for our sins. Says so in the Bible. I believe that. I have a hard time with the resurrection thing though. That subject will lead me in another direction so I'll try to stay focused here. So I learned all this about being faithful to God and Jesus. To believe that by having faith, life would some how be better. Thats what i learned ,in short , in Sunday school. Then I would have to answer all kinds of questions about all kinds of Bible stuff and God . If I didn't know then I would get beat. If I did know I was accused of cheating and I got beat. Kinda like my school career. Even at a young age and before I even knew what the word meant I understood hypocrisy. How could I have faith in a God that allowed me to be beat for telling the truth.
        To this day I still have a hard time with being sure that someone is believing me. See I wanted to believe. I so wanted to believe. I had faith and I would pray. I would pray that he wouldn't beat my Mom. I would pray that he wouldn't beat me or come upstairs and beat me awake. I couldn't figure out why it took me so long to learn to hide under my bed or just bail out the window. Yes I did say upstairs. How could God allow this to happen? I even went to Sunday school like I was told so I could put my trust in God and Jesus. And I did. For a few years anyway. Not more than 3 or 4 years. I was a slow learner. My childhood was during the height of Viet Nam. I was made to watch the news, every night. I was to suppose to be aware of how many young Soldiers and Marines had died that day. I had to watch when there was a war crime say like the massacre at My Lai. How could God allow our Soldiers to do something like that? Then i had to go to church or Sunday school. I would pray for all the people in Viet Nam that had to live with the war in their backyard. I learned in public school about the crusades. In the Name of God. I was losing my faith in a really big hurry. I saw the news of the little Vietnamese girl who was burned by napalm. God? God doesn't allow little girls to get burned. Oh yes he does. I remember when Cathy down the street got burned. Her skin was coming off like the girl in Viet Nam. My Mom was burned when she was a little girl so I guess I'm a little sensitive to that. After Cathy got burned and after Richard got killed Richard was first then Cathy. Same family. Richard was killed by a drunk driver. Cathy was playing with a campfire and the gas spilled. Then I got beat. I got beat because Cathy got burned. Don't play with fire he said then to make a point I guess. So my faith was rapidly disappearing. As I went through my teens and saw first hand the real hypocrisy of religion and how war and God seem to go hand in hand I lost all my faith. I know now that it was when I was a teen that I lost it. My faith that is. I have lost "it" many times in my life.
        I left town and joined the Navy when I was 19 after a very turbulent adolescence. I started to get a little faith back while I was overseas. Maybe it was seeing different religions and beliefs, I don't know. I still had problems with faith though. I had relationship problems too. I watched religious families rip into each other like they were mortal enemy's. I didn't see God. I sort of coasted through life for a couple of years until I decided on learning how to drive a semi. My Mom pretty much told me I was nuts. I did it anyway. Who was I to listen to Mom right? My life now anyway. I had the chance to stay and live with my parents while I was out driving trucks. Things had gotten much worse between them. I told Mom to leave him many times. She wouldn't. I never understood that. Why would you live with someone who beat you? I prayed many times to try to get God to get my Mom to leave. He never answered. I felt abandoned. My Mom wasn't really there for me and my stepfather certainly wasn't there for me.  And God wasn't there either. My friends still died and children still get killed and hurt in war. I left again and went back to the coast. 3 weeks later I got word that my Mom had died. I had left 3 weeks earlier and my Mom was fine. she wasn't sick or in any danger when I had left. I went to a very good friends house so I could call and try to find out what happened. She knew, and I believe a few more of my friends knew before I did. I had been out of town working in Los Angles for a few days so I was out of touch. Anyway I called my aunt and I had to almost beg her to tell me what happened. She told me that my stepfather had killed my Mom in an alcoholic blackout. Turns out he was on a dry drunk. Doesn't matter does it? Where in the fuck was God that day. I had a meltdown.
            I ended up in drug treatment 8 months later. I learned about having a higher power while I was in treatment. I also learned that there were a lot of people with wrecked and broken lives. I was ok with the higher power thing for a little while until I meet a lady from OK City that told me I had inspired her to check herself into treatment. We became friends and one night she came to me and asked if i would hold her while she prayed to her non-existent God. She didn't believe any more than most of the others in treatment. I held her as she prayed and she asked if I would pray with her and I did. We held each other for what seemed like a very long time and we prayed together. Not out loud. Now being the non believer I was, I was not ready for what happened next. I felt the warmest strangest feeling I had ever had. WE held each other tighter and we became one with each other. We both had a spiritual awakening that can only be described as very spiritually orgasmic. In body and mind. We both had experienced the most wonderful orgasms ever. We talked about it many times while we were in treatment together.We had become soul mates that night and we never even got naked. I'd like to have that happen again sometime but you know. Right after that she went back to her room and I went to the chapel. I knelled down in front of the alter and prayed to Jesus. I looked right at him crucified in front of me. I told him to make me a believer. Make me see the light. I forgave my stepfather that night. I also forgave my Mom. I told the figure of Jesus to prove to me that he is real. I pretty much dared him. And that is exactly what he did. I was looking at the figure and I saw him turn his head toward me not only with my eyes but inside my head. Right against my forehead like a projector. He had blue eyes and he just looked at me. I'm not sure if he said anything but I don't think so. That was almost 25 years ago.
        In that time frame I met and married my wife and raised 2 strapping young men. I have had 7 or 8 cats and I am on my 3rd dog. He's the best though. Somewhere along the line I started having physical problems Yea I'm sure I was having mental problems too. Just ask my wife. I started going through jobs like I went through socks. Then about 5 or so years ago I was DXed with osteo arthritis in my hands and all of my fingers. Plus it has worked it's way into most every joint(not that kind) that I have. It got bad enough that i was having problems at work and ended up taking a voluntary lay off . I was told by a couple of docs that I should look for lighter work or think about disability. Yea I said , No. Too young , I was just shy of 50. My body kept getting worse and I didn't have a clue what was wrong. So i flipped my lid a lot. Yelled and screamed and fought with my wife. Never fist fought just lots of yelling and me poppin a couple holes in walls. I was on a rant. For almost 3 years. I fought SSDI I fought my wife I fought with myself. I had some serious demons. I even considered suicide. I came oh so close a couple of times and I called Tam at those times and she helped me pull through. I had a very hard time dealing with my fibro and the fact that I will not be the same physically for the rest of my life. I used to be pretty damn strong guy. Mm not so much anymore. Fibro is a predominately female syndrome. If there is a God I don't think I appreciate his sense of humor. This shit is not funny. Those of us with chronic pain and other problems never get a day off from our pain. We stagger like drunks at times while being stared at. We get sick so much our friends are afraid to call fearing that we are sick yet again. God? I don't think so. My non belief is a major sandbar in my marriage too. No worries, I hope, we will make it through this. Tam will get better and we will all live out nice long lives. Whether there is a God or not. Thank you for reading and my apologizes for such a long and mostly negative read. Peace my Friends........