Something I've never told

  Here we are the beginning of April and a kinda slow start to spring. Yes, I do love the spring but if your a constant  reader you know that already. My shroom therepy seems to be helping. I really wish I could talk more freely with this.I feel like I'm hiding something and I need to tell. I did tell my Doc how I felt that the shrooms help ease the fibro pain. I'm not sure that went so well. Now I have mushroom use disorder, moderate. Moderate. Not like I boom everyday or anything. But hey it helps. 
  Ok I found out the other day that my appeal with the VA is not going well. Its not going at all. My case or whatever they call it is still sitting waiting for review. Ok well how much longer I ask. Oh, your right at about 4 years from a decision. What the capitol FUCK do you mean 4 years? I was told last May it might take 12 to 14 or 18 months. Gettin pretty close to that 12 month mark now and then I'm told no, more like 4 years. 4 fucking years. That is simply not going to work. I was more than upset and I went and did it again and more or less ended up in an argument with my wife. boom. I just cant seem to not fuck that up. I get real defensive real fast and so does my wife. Anyways I talked to her the next day I think or maybe a dayish later and told her the same thing I am going to say here. I have hid this all my life and I have never told a soul. My parents had me to a head doc when I was young maybe around 6 or 7. All I really remember about that is looking at the ink spots. Cant believe they really do that, at least they did then anyway. I know why I went to the shrink even though my folks never told me what that was all about. I thought I wasnt supposed to talk about it so I never did. I have been DXed with ADHD by my VA shrink. I have had that or something similar all my life. Learning is a major chore for me. Not all learning just somethings. I learned how to drive pretty quick. My high school driver ed teach told me I was a natural driver. I kept that little bit of info in the back of my head. Math I simply do not get any of it above simple addition and subtraction. I had a math tudor not long, maybe a year or 3 after the child shrinkoligest. I didnt do so well with Engrish either. You can probably tell from the way I write, right? I am not good with my hands and I can not draw. I see clouds in the clouds everyone else sees pegesus in. I can spell, mostly. See I dont understand my learning disorder at all. Some things come way easy for me, and some things, its like what in the world is going on? I am not dumb or stupid either. My IQ is not great but its nothing to be ashamed of. Upper 120s almost 130 so thats not bad. Some of it just the human factor. Not much mind you. I never did well in school. My grades, um were pretty bad. I didnt really pass any grades.  I was "placed" in the next grade so the teachers didnt have to deal while me. I heard teachers call me dumb and lazy. I am neither. So I kept my little closet monster to myself for my whole life. Those teachers hurt me beyond repair by letting my hear them say that, so I hid my problem. I figured if my parents wouldn't talk about it and teachers whispered about it while they were looking at me then mayhap I should just keep my mouth shut about it. So I did. I barely made it through enough school to get my DL then I dropped. 2 years later I enlisted. I didnt test well for that either. I did ok or they would have said nope. Same story. Some things in the Navy came easy. Most did not. I struggled to learn and to hide the disability at the same time. I was teased plenty enough as it was as a child I really didnt want to fuel that fire. I saw how some kids treated challenged kids and I didnt want any part of that kind of abuse. I understood how it feels to be "that kid" so I pretty much just faked it and hoped I didnt get caught or found out. I have skated through life pretending to know what I'm doing. I do know what I'm doing most of the time and to take care of business mostly but it seems to be coming apart much faster than I can keep up. Fuck. This is embarassing. I was embarassed to tell my wife. I think she understands but I'm not sure. I was and still am afraid people would think less of me if they knew I had diffucultys with learning. Maybe Don did way more damage than I think or I was just born this way. I dont know but I am considering talking to my PC doc about it. Maybe theres a brain scan or something for that kind of stuff. Sure would be nice to be able to pin this on something or just to know why and what, ya know. I may not be able to fix it but I can maybe learn to adjust better. I spent a lifetime adjusting maybe with a Dx I can stop adjusting and just be me. There s a saying or meme on FaceBook that goes something like this. Anybody can fake being sick, but it takes real talent to fake being well. I should get an award. ha. I am not proud of this, well maybe some because I have pulled it off. I did manage to bluff my way through life pretty well. I learned by watching and being dealthly afaird of being teased for being "slow". da. ha. Ya know at this point if life I really could care less. mostly. I have good friends and I have a good family. If they dont or wont understand then that will be their problem right? right. Oky then. Thats out now and I feel better. I will invite you all to check out my new blog. The Random Thoughts of my PTSD mind. That could get interesting I'm sure. See ya on the flipy flop..