Fibro, Marijuana and Me

I feel that it is time for me to write about my experience with fibro and cannabis. First I'll give you a little run down on what I have. I have fibromyalgia. I also have osteoarthritis in most of my joints. The worst being in my fingers and hands. Everything I list has been diagnosed by a medical professional. Along with the fibro I have major depression, PTSD, anxiety problems, IBS, a minor case of Reynaulds  syndrome, loss of appetite, a little hypoglycemia, boy that ones fun. I have tinnitus (ringing in the ears) that simply will not stop. That is the worst. I can deal with most of the other crap but the ringing is the worst. That is a 24-7 thing. But then so is everything else. And my cholesterol is out of control unless I take statins.
   Ok on to the weed. I have been smoking most of my life. There were periods of time when I didn't smoke at all. Most of the time I smoked was mostly to get high and help me sleep. That has changed somewhat since I started having problems. It didn't take long for me to realize that smoking some weed seemed to help with a lot of these problems. It helps calm down the constant ache of arthritis. It helps with the fibro. I sleep better and it really does help with my anxiety. Smoking weed makes the IBS a little easier to live with. It does nothing for the Reynaulds. Nor does it do anything for the hypoglycemia, except when it helps my appetite. Kinda goes hand in hand with the hypoglycemia. Weed really helps a lot in helping me deal with the tinnitus. That shit gets really loud sometimes. Or theres a pressure change in my ears and that usually hurts like hell. My brother said once that the only reason I smoke weed for pain is it makes me forget about the pain. Well now, no shit? I don't care how it works, I just care that it does work. I'm sure that smoking weed does not make me forget about the pain. It's almost always there. What weed does do is make it so much easier to deal with it all. It does lessen the pain in my fingers and hands. Somewhat. I am not going to sit here and say that smoking weed takes all my pain and mental problems away. It does not do that. It does calm down the fibro, but when I'm in a serious flare it only makes it easier to deal with. I can suck it up a little better. The sensitivity to sound is much less when I smoke. The light sensitivity not so much, but I've always been a little sensitive to bright light. I have to wear really dark polarized sunglasses when I'm outside in any weather or I simply can not see well at all.I suppose that could have it's dangers but what can I do? stay inside all the time? Sorry not my cup of wine. I like being outside and I like being in touch with nature as much as I can anyway.
   Back to the weed. I'm pretty much an old school smoker. I smoke then I stop then I smoke some more and so and such forth. I don't get into all the different strains out there, way too confusing. I don't get into all the way cool stuff thats out there for weed connoisseurs. I just want for the pain to be gone, or liveable.  See I don't know anymore than anyone else as to why cannabis works for me and not other folks. If I knew the answer to that one, well you know how it goes. There is absolutely no way anyone will ever convince me that weed is bad for you. I have lived it, I have heard all the bad stuff that "they" want us to believe. You all know too. Gateway drug, It causes cancer and leg cramps. Not to mention murderous thoughts that wander through a potheads brain along with laziness and all that other bullshit. I say crap. It is all just a huge load of crap. I spent half a life time working my skinny little ass off. Not lazy. No cancer. I have never thought about killing or raping anyone. I have never thought about beating up drunks and wiggers either. I have never had thoughts of cheating on my wife or beating my kids. I love nature and all that it is. Well maybe except for the vampire bugs. Am I a hippie? Maybe so. But I take regular showers so that may disqualify me. Am I a redneck? Most definitely. My long hair does not cover my redneck. Ha. I am also very patriotic. I believe in my country but I doubt my government. I also do not trust or respect my government. Way too many lies over my lifetime from those folks.  I am a free spirit, my spirituality and my Constitution guarantees that. If I want to smoke weed then I am going to. I really don't care what the government says.
    I smoke weed. Does that make me a bad person. Probably not. Does that make me lazy. Sometimes. Does it make me forget to pay the light bill. No. I feel that I do better work when I have a slight buzz on. Helps keep me focused. I smoked weed while I was in the Navy. I smoked on an aircraft carriers at sea many times. I have smoked while driving a semi down the mountain. I wrecked one semi. Stone cold sober at the time I hit the black ice. That was a hell of a ride. I have never been arrested for anything after I got out of the Navy. I did take a couple of busts while in the Navy. Simple possession. I paid my fines and made some good friends while I was in the brig. Most of those were Marines. Great bunch of guys. Semper Fi Marines.
    So look around. See that guy in the suit? Yep he smokes weed at home and nobody knows. Come out of the closet and speak up. See that Doctor over there? Yea he smokes too. And that Judge. Weeds smokers are not all hippy looking hoodlums. Folks that smoke weed are all around you. Your childs teacher goes home after a hard day and gets a little buzz before bedtime. Problem? Nope. We own our own homes and have nice cars. I just bought a newer pick up. Really new but not brand new. I can't afford two brand new cars. Not all smokers live in the getto or a trailer park or the barrio. Yea I know there are some people who really should stay away from mind altering substances. That would include booze.  If you can't handle your high then you probably should not be getting high. Doesn't matter what the substance is.
   Well I think I should end this one. It is getting a tad long. And there's that thing with my hands that make this difficult. So in closing, I will say this. If your a friend or someone who knows me, but didn't know I smoke, well now it is out there and I feel better for it. Know me for what I am and not what I do. Have a great day and help some one today for free, you'll feel better for it. Thank you and good night.   

My Ghost Post

     First off let me make one thing perfectly clear. I do not believe in ghosts. Spirits in the Native American way maybe but not ghosts. This may be a pretty long post due to the back story and all that. My wife and I purchased this house in Dec 2004. Almost from the start I was hearing what sounded like whispering coming from the vents. I blew that off thinking some one was listening to a radio or CD player at a low volume. Many months went by and I still kept hearing voices coming from the vents. Very soft and distant sounding. I don't remember exactly the time line here but this is how thing played out. Our cat at the time died followed shortly by my brothers dog.  Both animals lived in this house both of them more or less died here. I mentioned the voices in the vents one time offhandedly at dinner. My oldest son looked at me and said "You hear the voices too?" Yea that was a little creepy but I didn't let on. Since then the voices have gone and come back numerous times.
       One time we had friends over and one of their sons was standing by the Ash tree in the backyard with his hands up in the air. He said he wanted "the old man" to pick him up. Yikes. Yea I got goosebumps on that one. No I still do not believe in ghosts. So on and off over these last 6 and a half years I have heard voices in the vents. Let me remind you that I have tinnitus ( ringing in my ears) all the time. I can not get away from it.         
          Ok now a couple of years or so ago is when I started to feel a cat jump up on the bed right after I get in to go to sleep. Oh yea we now have 2 cats and one large dog. The cat jumping up on the bed is very light footed. I really would rather not have a cat in bed with me as I am trying to go to sleep. After I'm asleep I dont care. They can sleep with us if they want. So when I feel the cat jump up on the bed I looked, and no cat. So I blew it off. Imagination right? This went on for a pretty long time so I would check and see just where the cats were before I went to bed. They were almost always sleeping some where else in the house.Then I said something to my wife about it in an offhanded kind of way. She looked at me and said You feel that too? Yep I sure do I said. Now we joke about the ghost cat in the house. I still do not believe in ghosts. So lately I have been hearing the voices again only now it's in the daytime. I take a nap almost every day and I turn down the TV so I won't listen instead of trying to sleep. Now the voices sound a little like a radio announcer at a distance. I can hear these voices over the ringing in my ears. No these voices are not talking to me directly. Just in case anyone is thinking that. I can't even make out words. Just soft and distant voices and I do not feel that they are talking to me.
     Ok now on to my dilemma. I have been seeing a shrink on and off for a couple of years. Actually I've seen 3 shrinks. I have not told any of them about the whispers in the vents.  I am treating at the VA for PTSD and major depression. I even filed a claim. I never told them mostly because the subject has never come up. But should I tell the good Doctor about the voices? You know how some of these guys can get. I am a serious gun collector and I shoot what I collect. I also smoke weed on a daily basis. I've talked about that here a couple times I think. But I can not help thinking that mentioning the voices may not be a good idea. I own guns and I smoke weed. Now I hear voices? Yea you tell me what the Doc might think. Should I say something or should I just let it ride? Good question and I do not have an answer.
        I know I'll get asked what the voices are saying to me. Well they are not saying anything to me. At least I don't think so. Just random mumbling. And I still don't believe in ghosts, mostly. Ha I know it is changing my view on ghosts. The damn cat was on our bed the other night. Walking all over the bed too. My wife told me she felt it too because she looked up, and yep no cat. I also looked and I saw the same thing. No cat. Both of the live cats were sleeping in the living room. I am starting to make it a habit to know where they are at when I go to bed. I can certainly tell the difference between the live cats and the ghost cat. The live cats are much heavier than the ghost cat and the ghost cats walks like a whisper. Martha and I both agree that the ghost cat is Smokey. The cat we had when we first moved in. Smokey was a rescue cat and she was large for a house cat. Bigger than either of the cats we have now. I liked Smokey. I cried a little when she died. I'll let her stay, she really liked this house. So I guess that's more or less it on the ghost thing. We know who they are and they really don't cause any trouble so as far as I am concerned they can stay. That is until I need a place to stay after I go to the clearing at the end of the path. I shall say later days my friends, who you gonna call???

Reflections

Today is just one of those kinda of days. The weather sucks, my fibro is reminding me in a big way that I am sick. My arthritis is also giving me a ton of grief. So I sit here lookig out the window at the cloudy ski and I started to go back in memory. I look back and see myself in my child hood. That sucked. I told you about it in breif a few posts ago. As an adult my life hasn't been the greatest but then again it hasn't been terrible either. I have fucked up a lot, but not too bad. I sorta made it through 2 years and 8 months of aircraft carrier duty without too many scares. None on the outside anyway. I drove big trucks for close to 15 years and never wrecked out except for a sideways trip through the median once when I slid off an icy interstate. Yea that was fun. You shouda been there. My shoulder is still screwed up from that one. That was over 15 years ago. So for the most part my life has been pretty good. More good than bad. See the thing is that now all the bad is starting to come back to the top. When I smell diesel fuel I am magically taken back in time to the flight deck. It doesn't take much of an input and poof there I am. A helicopter or the sound of a fighter jet off in the distance. I try to not let those thoughts in, but hey ya know it happens. I try to replace the bad thoughts with good ones but that doesnt always work. When I get to feeling lousy I always try to "suck it up". I am not always successful with that. I am getting better at handling it though. I think. I jumped at my wife the other day for pretty much no reason. I was feeling crappy and I let it get out. In short I did apologize and got on with the day or evening. We ended up going out and watching a new band. More on the band later.  I also thought of a new subject for me to blog about. Ghosts. Yep I did say that. And I will make an entirely new post on that subject. You may find it interesting, or maybe not. So until then I shall say,  Later days my friends. Smoke em if ya got em....