Tuesday.

  There I'll make it red and bold. That would signify anger. I hate anger. I had anger when I was a child and into my young adult hood. I worked pretty hard to get rid of my anger and a year or so after my Mom was killed I was finally able to find my way. I haven't told many people this story but I will put it out here now and forever I guess. It's been more than 20 years since I went through drug treatment. I had checked my self into treatment after I was suspended from my job after failing a drug test. Yea i know my bad but they just didn't have all the cool stuff for getting around those things like they do now. Anyway I had been in treatment for about a week and a half maybe and I had meet a woman who checked herself in after being inspired by a story I had told. I think she had been there about a week when she came up and asked if we could go some where and chat. Being the constant gentleman that I tried to be I said of course. I really don't remember what we talked about but I do know that I listened more than I talked and she asked if she could hold me and pray to her higher power through me. She wanted me to be the go between because she did not believe in God. At that point in time I did not believe in God either. Not sure I do now either but we shall save that for another day. Now I'm not going to mention names as this is a public forum and I am not making it that secure. Plus I think I forgot her name. Well now I let her do her praying and I suppose that I joined her after a few seconds. Now here's where it starts to get  little strange. I was holding her and I had my eyes closed and I started to feel the most wonderful feeling I had ever had slowly wash over my body. I don't know to this day how to describe it other than other worldly. It felt strange and wonderful. We both ended up in tears and she told me that she had had a very strange feeling go through her also.Now I'm not one to believe in spirits or ghost's or what not but that was a very real rush. At that point in time I didn't believe in myself much less any kind of a God so I was just a little freaked out. After we held each other for what seemed like a pretty long time she gave me a nice kiss and said good night. Right after that I went to the chapel. I kneel ed down in front of the altar. Looking up at the small statue of Jesus I told him to prove it. Well he did in the form of a spiritual vision. I saw Jesus in my mind at the front of my head. As if it were a projector casting him against the inside of my forehead. I will swear to this until the day I die. What happens after that is any ones guess. I don't remember how long I was in that chapel but I do know I was moved in a really strange way. I like to call it my God Rush. Yea I know I said I wasn't sure I believed in God. Well I'm not. I did see Jesus in my vision and I will believe in Him. In the grand scheme of things is it possible to have 2 soul mates? I believe that we can have as many soul mates as we can fill our heart with. I have 3. Well I have told that story and now it's in print. It's in cyberspace forever. I don't know why I told that but I did and it made me feel a little better. I think. See I do know why I told this story. I needed a shot of faith and a little reminder about anger and how to deal with it and maybe that did it. So for now it's time to wish you a fare the well and may your sails be full and the seas calm.  Arrr.   

Just Another Day

I'll use blue today for my font color. I feel a little blue so it only seems right. I still don't know what to think about with this hearing postponment. I do know that I sure don't like it. Sunday I had a hearing date and time. Locked right in. The fact that they cancelled me and said we will get back to you really floored me. I never expected that at all. Now I feel like I'm back to square one. I have no reason to believe that I will get another hearing date any time soon. I have been rescheduled twice now and they have also changed judges. My advocate told me that the judge is a hard line judge. Nice huh. I can see this dragging out for a couple of more years or something. Well I get to see Nancy tomorrow so that should help my mood a little. I should be sitting at home waiting for a phone call from who ever is going to call me back. I am expecting calls from my Congressman, my Attorny and a guy from the Chicago social secruity pr office. I am going to keep on stirring up shit too. This is gone on long enough. The goverment of the country I love so much has basicly stabbed me and my family in the back. We are being told that we are liers. I have a file 5 or 6 inches thick and they say that they lost some of my medical records. Bullshit I think they just over booked and the judge would have been late for fucking lunch or some thing. What can I do? Not a damn thing. Nothing, zilch. nada, Fuck you very much now go home. Thats how I felt Monday. Sheeesh. I'm going home I'm hungry and I don't feel good at all. Later days compadre.     
  

SSDI Hearing

Oh boy am I pissed. My hearing was reschudeled for an unknown time yesterday. Now What do I do next. Good question. Now its going to be even longer before I even know if I get approved. What a bunch of dicks. I'm just too upset to do this right now. I'll get back to this thing a little later. See ya later gator. Ha bye..

Another Sunny Day

Today's weather is nice and sunny. I feel pretty good today too. My hands and fingers hurt but that's getting to be par for the course. And no I don't play golf. Golf is for, well never mind that. So my fibro seems to be pretty calm today but the arthritis is flaming me pretty bad. Go figure. If its not one thing its another. When it rains it pours.No not today. I'm in good spirits and almost all of my body feels pretty good. I was even motivated enough to go through some old files and shred some of those old files. Shredded paper makes wonderful dirt after being buried for about 2 months. Its really easy too all you need is hole in the yard( I dug mine about 18 inches square or so and about 2 feet deep or so. I have added all kinds of compost matter some water and shredded paper. Whala out comes dirt. Good old fashioned soil. It even smells like soil. Ok my hands hurt too much for this today so its going to be a short post. Weather stats are next. 
 Conditions   Sunny.
 Temp.          41 F
 Feels like     38 F
 Dew Point   20 F
 Humidity     45 %
 Wind          sw @ 5 mph
 Barometer  30.26 inches
   I guess that will be good for now.  Good night Mrs. Calabash wherever you are. 

7 days and counting

Only 7 days until my hearing for SSDI. 3 years Ive waited and now its down to the wire. 3 years of pain and suffering. Nightmares and night sweats. Damn I try so hard not to think about it but it always sneaks in. Next Monday at noon. They could not have picked a better time. High Noon there cowboy. Be in front of the Last Chance Saloon for you hearing. Damn sounds way too much like a bad western movie. We'll meet at high noon for your last chance to prove your self in front of a very suspecting and paranoid government. I think that if "they" are going to keep trak of us, and you know they do, then they should have everything in one file. That way they can look at your "life file" and see if you've been a good citizen. Instead "they" try to make things easy by making it as hard as possible. I've had to expose my entire working life for the last 15 years to them as if they didnt already know. Ive had to keep chasing after medical records and then sharing all those records with who knows how many people. Yea there are a whol bunch of safe guards in place so info doesn't get leaked or lost, but ya know, things happen and stuff gets "lost" or stolen or info get out. I don't like having my life exposed like it has been and I'm sure no one else does either. I suppose I shouldn't get started on an anti-government rant. I'm going to try to remember to include the weather stats for that day. Maybe I can track how I feel a little better. 
      Today I feel pretty good so far. I don't feel that pressure on me that I feel when the weather is bad or even just overcast cloudy. My mood is good and my body is kinda good. My hands hurt like hell but I'm getting used to that. Mostly. 
   Sunny 
   50 degrees 
   21 degrees dewpoint
   33% humidity
   30.15 inches barometer
  18 mph west wind   
       Ok I'm done for a little bit. My hands hurt too much and I'm losing track of my thought's. Be seein ya later pardner. Happy trails to you. 
 

Halloweird

Well today is Halloweird. The lead in to winter. The first of a string of holidays. I know it's not really an official holiday but try to tell that to the kids. I feel that Halloween and some of its weirdness should be left to the kids. Come on, us adults have a whole bunch of holidays to party on so its only fair that the kids have one for themselves. Besides their birthdays of course. Now I'm certainly not trying to be a Scrooge or any thing like that. See every year the trick or treat times get a little shorter and we tell them they have to be in way earlier than we ever had to be in. Then we go out and party the night away. Yea I know, all the pervs are out on Halloween. No not really. I have never once in my life (and I'm old enough to remember what burning leaves smell like and not be afraid of that pop korn ball that the sweet old lady down the street used to put in our bag) heard or read about any thing that we say will happen actually happen. I'm sure every once in awhile bad things happen but it doesn't need to be Halloween. But I digress. Today is the real start to winter.  Days are getting shorter and tonight the clocks get turned back. There's a subject for later. Changing the clocks twice a year. Winter. There's another thing that should be for kids only. Snow. Sledding and building snow men and making little angels. Then you go home to a nice cup of hot chocolot. Mmm. BOO! Ha got ya going back to the day huh? Well got me any way. Today is the beginning of the end of summer. Autumn went by in a hurry and now its getting much colder. I'm pretty we wont see any more above 55 degree days until next year. Ah well some times winter can be pretty nice. Sitting by a warm fire and watching it snow could be nice. All I need for that is the warm fire. Maybe someday. Again with the hands. First I get one of those f-inn random stabbing pains in my hand and then they both kinda go a little number. That one hurt. A lot. I think it's time to close this post. My hands hurt too much and I need to stop. Have a wonderful day and a very scary evening. hahahahaha.   Auf Wiedersehen..... 

Blusey Monday

 Sheesh I sure get tired of this overcast and dreary weather. It really makes me feel out of sorts. Sort of. I go to see my neurologist  tomorrow morning. We need to figure something out with my meds because the Lyrica is not working so good. Its not working so bad either. I guess I'll just have to ask him and see were we go from here. I'm almost at max dose with this stuff and I don't think another 50 mgs is going to make that big of a difference. 
  Now it's only 2 weeks until my hearing. Crap maybe that's why I seem to be rather agitated today. I really want it to be done. I also hope its favorable. I'm tired of seeing Docs and having to worry about all this SSDI shit. I would much rather be worrying about things at work or saving some worry for the important things in life.  I'll continue to doc's forever I'm sure but at least I wont have to see docs and chase med records just for a hearing.
  On a brighter side our puppy is now almost 2 weeks old. 7 more weeks and we will have a bouncy little, ummm, big fur ball running around here giving me grief. Training this little guy is going to be a challenge to say the least. I'm sure it will be a lot of fun and a lot of work too. I hope he can keep me straight. Damn I have a lot to learn. I will try to post a little more later.  Catch ya on the flip flop, over and out.  

Subaru test drive .. 22 October 2009

My wife and I went to the Subaru dealer Thursday and took a 2010 Subaru Legacy for a drive. We went out in the 3.6 Limited. The car is very nice and drives good plus it handles like it's glued to the road. Not too mention its pretty fast. Not like it's scary fast or anything but exciting fast. I think that if we get the chance we will buy one. I really like that car.
Well the snow that fell yesterday is mostly gone today and will be entirely gone by this afternoon. I feel much better but still not as good as I could feel. Damn I am beginning to really not like having fibro. Most days are a struggle to get through and I have to concentrate mostly on keeping my mood level. Doing that zaps me pretty hard. How can I get anything done if I have to concentrate on keeping my mood level and doing everything I can to keep from blowing up at something or somebody. Days like yesterday and the day before were very hard days on me and I think I did pretty good at keeping my shit together. This winter is going to be rough but I'm going to do every thing I can think of to try and keep myself straight. Not straight that way. Duhhh I mean straight and on an even keel. I really do need to start making a list of things to do everyday. That will help a lot. Not a big list mind you just a small list with a couple of things on to do on it. That way I will get things done slowly but surely. I am also going to try harder to keep a log. I figured I will keep a log on the computer as it's much easier to type than it is to write. Although typing can be very painful any time I type, it is still easier than writing by hand. Plus I can actually read it later. My hand writing was bad before I had arthritis, now its almost to the point that even I can't read it. This suck's. I think about it once in a while and not only does the arthritis hurt, the fuc*&% fibro hurts in all the same joints plus more. And I have all those nice sneak up and stab me with a sharp knife and give it a twist kind of pains any where any time that are really hard to deal with.They hurt so bad most of the time it's really hard for me to not wince and say something or grab the spot that is paining me at that time. The scale of those random pain shots can range from a 3 or4 to a 5 to 7 and back to a 3 in about 2 or 5 minutes. I just had one in my right hand around the wrist and upper hand area. That one f-in-a hurt. Spiked right up to at least a 7 right away. Sometimes these pains put me very close to tears depending on who is around me. If I am alone I will let it take me over the top to tears but if anyone except my wife is around I try my best to suck them up. I'll let the pain out but not the tears. I might not be able to beat this thing called Fibromyalgia but I am certainly not willing to let it control my life. Thats why I will not capitalize the word anymore. Unless of course it starts a sentence. My hands are getting too tired to type so I have to go now. May the force be with you.

Massage Day

Today I went to the hair academy for a massage. Thought I was going to say I got a hair cut huh? Na... I needed the massage though. I would recommend it. The weather is just plain not nice today. I feel it in all my joints and most of my muscle's. The massage help's a lot with that but there's still "the fog". I really hate that part. I can barely keep a though in my head much less try to think about something. Even typing this is beginning to be a chore. I keep thinking about my SSDI hearing in Nov. It is getting very close. Damn I'm as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs about that damn hearing. I kinda wish I could wake up tomorrow and it would be hearing day. HMmm.. Well anyway as I was driving south on 53 after my massage and I notice that the rain drops were getting much larger, and then it dawned on me that it was soft hail. I though damn. I stopped at the store and when I came out it had turned over to all snow. I thought DAMN. So now we have almost an inch or so of wet sloppy snow. I really wasn't prepared for snow today. Oh well it will probably be gone tomorrow. I hope . I'm tired so I am signing off fans and I'll be back later to write again. Well ok I'm not writing I'm "typing". Ha see ya later hoss.

Spacey Day

Today I seem to be rather spacey. Yea I know kinda spacey is the norm but no not like this. Plus I've never been really spaced out or anything that was just a joke. I have a few things to do today so I am going to try to make this one short. I need to go get some refills on my scrips( yea I was gonna say "get some more drugs" but that sounds so illegal ha) then take my truck to the shop for some u-joints. Ugh that's gonna be spendy. Well just a little more to put on our credit card. Double ugh ugh. Then I should try to get the yard mowed and mulched. Fun for me. O.k. gotta go now I have things to do.

Iowa trip, 16 Oct. 2009

Yesterday we drove down to Iowa to visit with the people we are buying our dog from. Nice people and the dogs seem to be very well mannered. I think we picked a good breeder. We also saw a couple of puppy's but they are still too young to handle. I'm going to try to plan another trip in 3 weeks or so. That will put the pups at 6 weeks old. We should know by then which puppy will be ours. Getting a puppy just before Christmas is going to be interesting to say the least. After counting the weeks it seems that we will be getting the puppy just before Thanksgiving. Cool. Now we will have a hyper little um big puppy running around during the holidays. Wow. I had a dog when I was growing up (who doesn't?) but I don't really remember the puppy stage. I was only 10 and my memories of childhood are sketchy at best. Maybe I'll get into that someday. We are thinking about calling our new puppy Jakob von der Too Little of Flat Rock. I think it's kinda catchy. I won't put up any pictures of the litter or any puppy's until we know for sure which one is going to be ours. Well I certainly will have my work cut out for me if I hope to train him into a good service dog. The breeder told us that she really doesn't train her dog's except to sit. If this puppy socializes as easy as the dogs we met yesterday then this is going to be almost easy. I'm still nervous as a long tail cat about this but hopefully I can pull it off. Well my fingers hurt and I'm kinda tired and sore from yesterdays drive so I'll sign off now and say adios amigos have a wonder full day.

Just Another Day

Woke up this morning and looked out the window and what do I see? White. Yep, snow. I don't remember hearing anything about snow. It won't stick so no worries there. Tomorrow we are going to drive to Iowa to meet the dog breeders. And the dogs. I'm sure it will be fun and interesting trip. Now all we need to do is decide on what puppy we will chose. That's going to be the hard part. Hopefully the car will do good and we will get good mileage.

Yesterday or I should say last night after dinner I started getting sick. I have no idea how or why, all I know is for about an hour I felt really bad then I slowly started feeling somewhat better but still not really good. Today I still feel a little ill. Kinda weak and just not right. I should go back to bed. HA. Probably not, I don't like staying in bed all day. Maybe it's a fibromyalgia flare up or something. Na. I'm just plain sick. Picked up a virus somewhere and now I'm sick. Damn I hate being sick. And I really hope I'm not sicker tomorrow. I still plan on going as long as I don't need the bathroom every 5 minutes or so. Speaking of fibro, that has not been real fun lately either. It has to be the weather. Or at least the weather has some affect on it. I don't know. I do know that when the weather is overcast or a little rainy or there's a low pressure system I generally feel rotten. I try to suck it up as much as I can but sometimes you know, that is really hard to do. I'm going to post this and I'll put something else up later. Have a nice day.

Winters First Dusting.

Yesterday I woke up to a very light dusting of snow (uug). Winter is on its way and I am in no way ready for it at all. I cant handle the cold like I used to. My hands hurt pretty bad when they get cold. Not just an increase in arthritis pain but the cold seems to affect my hands in weird ways. They get all stiff and achy and the skin feels really tight. Feels like if I make a hard fist the skin will split. I know, just don't make a hard fist. I don't usually make a fist except to see how bad my hands are.

On a brighter side we are going to get our puppy in about six weeks or so. One large boned German Shepard Dog coming up. I hope to train this dog to be a service dog for me. Sometimes I could use some help picking things up from the floor and sometimes I could really use some help with those really heavy doors that don't have a handicap button. Those doors were never a problem before but now, sheeesh some of them are just too heavy. I'm also hoping that a dog will help head off my little melt downs or at least distract me just long enough for me to get back in control of myself. Plus I will have my hands full just training the puppy. Maybe training a puppy will help boost my mind and everything that has gone wrong with it lately. I'm drawing a blank right now so I will end this post and start another one a little later. Ha I have writers block. Imagine that . See ya later.

My new blog

Well this will be my very first blog. Whoopee. Ive never made a blog before so I suppose I will make a few mistakes. Oh well you'll just have to get used to the mistakes. Or not. I'll try to post at least once a day or maybe more. I'm going to try to make this as upbeat as possible but most of the time I'm not all that upbeat. The fibromyalgia I have is very new to me and I was just DXed in June of 09. So while trying to figure out how I'm going to handle the arthritis I have in my hands and shoulders I also have to come to grips with this other crap called Fibromyalgia. It's not so much the pain that bothers me. That I can pretty much handle. Mostly. What gets me is the fog. That is becoming more of a problem than I would have imagined. So I will continue to stumble along while I learn to handle this. I will quote Micheal Fox here. "I have had 20 years to learn how to separate how my mind feels from how my body feels." I am still in kindygarten when it comes to learning how to separate the two. More on this later. Peace.