I guess it's been a couple of months since I last posted an entry here. I have been feeling pretty good lately, well mostly anyways. My complaints are small and kinda minor so I won't go into them today. Today I will ramble about this fibro and arthritis thing a little. I noticed in some of my posts that I say things like " my fibro" or "my arthritis". I decided a short while back that I would no longer, or at least, try to no longer call these problems mine. The way I am trying to look at it here is that I do not want any of these problems. I do not like it. I would not buy or even take these for free. Kinda like snow. I do not want it. So I am going to try to stop saying "my fibro" or "my arthritis", and try to say something more like "the fibro" instead. Why should I call it mine? I do not own it nor did I plan ahead to get it. It was not an impulse buy either.
It has cost me a lot since I've had it. You can read that in previous posts so I won't go over it again. I'm certainly not proud of having it. I would love to be able to leave it at the curb like a bag of nasty trash. Thats kinda how I look at it. It's just nasty trash. But I do not have to call it mine. Maybe that will make me feel a little better about this trash that I have. It makes no sense at all. I often wonder where it came from. Was it hereditary? Maybe. Was it stress? Maybe. Was it trauma? Could be. No matter were it came from the point is. I do not want this thing called fibro. Nor do I want the arthritis. I will try to stay mindful of calling them mine. Sorry guys you are not welcome in my body and I really wish you would go away. You don't have to go away mad, just go away.
Now heres an interesting point. If I woke up tomorrow and the fibro was gone, would I notice? Probably not right away. The scary thing is, would I miss it? I would love to sit here and say no not a chance in hell would I miss it. But, what if I did? I know that if were to disappear overnight I certainly would not want it to come back. Remember its not mine.
See you in the clearing at the end of the path... Peace.
18 June 2012
14 February 2012
Rambling....
Rambling thoughts. With the onset of the wonderful and amazing fibromyalgia I have noticed that my thoughts and thinking ramble on at an almost amazing speed. It's like I'm reading 16 books at the same time. I'm not even sure I can translate this to writing but I will try. Sometimes my mind will go from 0 to mach 97 in about 2 and a half nano seconds. And back. I get ideas or I think of something that needs to be done and in just a flash that thought will be gone. Zip Zap its gone and nowhere to be found. I really hate that too. I was told by my V.A. shrink that I have adult ADHD. There is a really good chance that I had ADHD as a child also. That would certainly explain a lot. I am not too sure I want to accept that though. I accepted the arthritis and the fibro. I have also accepted the PTS and the major depression. See I have alway considered myself to be a reasonably shit together kind of guy, but with the "fibro fog" having my shit together is becoming a really tough chore. Yes I said it is a chore, not something to enjoy. I hate the fog. I hate the scramble thoughts that rarely make any sense. I hate that I hate. I have fought that one for most of my life. The hate. I don't like the idea that I have hate in me. That, I know is never good. Yea I know I joke about it saying things like "yea I have hate but it keeps me warm in the winter". I do have a lot of love though. I know that the love I have will far outweigh the hate. Most times I don't even know why I have hate. I don't hate any one single person, no not even my step father. He's dead anyway so hating on him would be a waste of hate. Ha, did I really just write that? Even thinking about him is a waste of time and mental effort, yet there he is. Sometimes. I can not block it so I usually just let the thought run its course and try to distract myself. I am getting pretty good at that, distracting myself that is. You know that whole mind over matter thing. If you don't mind then it don't matter. Hate. HATE. Hate. Such an offensive word. Kinda like that cu&% word, only not as bad.
It's a good thing, ya know, to learn to love. It took me a long time to learn that. It is amazing that one can learn to hate waaay faster than one can learn to love. Love. LOVE. Love. Yea that is much easier on the mind than HATE. It is even easier to say. I have a boat load of love. Way more than the hate I have. I try really hard to not be bitter about my problems. I understand that it is not my fault and there is really not much that can be done. I will not go the drug route again. That was a large source of hate. I hated having to take the drugs. I suppose I really didn't have to start taking meds but I was kinda desperate for some relief. I knew that I was taking a possibly dangerous path and I was right. The meds did a lot of damage. Maybe thats why I hate? Naw it's much deeper than that. I just wish I could figure out why I hate. Does any one really believe that we as humans will ever figure our selfs out? Probably not. That would be rather arrogant to even think that way.
So hate sucks huge mastodon ass.
I just re-read this and I realized that I rambled away from rambling thoughts to hate. Imagine that. I guess that would be it. My not so single track mind went awol on me again. I shall close this one out and say later dazz my friends...
It's a good thing, ya know, to learn to love. It took me a long time to learn that. It is amazing that one can learn to hate waaay faster than one can learn to love. Love. LOVE. Love. Yea that is much easier on the mind than HATE. It is even easier to say. I have a boat load of love. Way more than the hate I have. I try really hard to not be bitter about my problems. I understand that it is not my fault and there is really not much that can be done. I will not go the drug route again. That was a large source of hate. I hated having to take the drugs. I suppose I really didn't have to start taking meds but I was kinda desperate for some relief. I knew that I was taking a possibly dangerous path and I was right. The meds did a lot of damage. Maybe thats why I hate? Naw it's much deeper than that. I just wish I could figure out why I hate. Does any one really believe that we as humans will ever figure our selfs out? Probably not. That would be rather arrogant to even think that way.
So hate sucks huge mastodon ass.
I just re-read this and I realized that I rambled away from rambling thoughts to hate. Imagine that. I guess that would be it. My not so single track mind went awol on me again. I shall close this one out and say later dazz my friends...
22 August 2011
Fibro, Marijuana and Me
I feel that it is time for me to write about my experience with fibro and cannabis. First I'll give you a little run down on what I have. I have fibromyalgia. I also have osteoarthritis in most of my joints. The worst being in my fingers and hands. Everything I list has been diagnosed by a medical professional. Along with the fibro I have major depression, PTSD, anxiety problems, IBS, a minor case of Reynaulds syndrome, loss of appetite, a little hypoglycemia, boy that ones fun. I have tinnitus (ringing in the ears) that simply will not stop. That is the worst. I can deal with most of the other crap but the ringing is the worst. That is a 24-7 thing. But then so is everything else. And my cholesterol is out of control unless I take statins.
Ok on to the weed. I have been smoking most of my life. There were periods of time when I didn't smoke at all. Most of the time I smoked was mostly to get high and help me sleep. That has changed somewhat since I started having problems. It didn't take long for me to realize that smoking some weed seemed to help with a lot of these problems. It helps calm down the constant ache of arthritis. It helps with the fibro. I sleep better and it really does help with my anxiety. Smoking weed makes the IBS a little easier to live with. It does nothing for the Reynaulds. Nor does it do anything for the hypoglycemia, except when it helps my appetite. Kinda goes hand in hand with the hypoglycemia. Weed really helps a lot in helping me deal with the tinnitus. That shit gets really loud sometimes. Or theres a pressure change in my ears and that usually hurts like hell. My brother said once that the only reason I smoke weed for pain is it makes me forget about the pain. Well now, no shit? I don't care how it works, I just care that it does work. I'm sure that smoking weed does not make me forget about the pain. It's almost always there. What weed does do is make it so much easier to deal with it all. It does lessen the pain in my fingers and hands. Somewhat. I am not going to sit here and say that smoking weed takes all my pain and mental problems away. It does not do that. It does calm down the fibro, but when I'm in a serious flare it only makes it easier to deal with. I can suck it up a little better. The sensitivity to sound is much less when I smoke. The light sensitivity not so much, but I've always been a little sensitive to bright light. I have to wear really dark polarized sunglasses when I'm outside in any weather or I simply can not see well at all.I suppose that could have it's dangers but what can I do? stay inside all the time? Sorry not my cup of wine. I like being outside and I like being in touch with nature as much as I can anyway.
Back to the weed. I'm pretty much an old school smoker. I smoke then I stop then I smoke some more and so and such forth. I don't get into all the different strains out there, way too confusing. I don't get into all the way cool stuff thats out there for weed connoisseurs. I just want for the pain to be gone, or liveable. See I don't know anymore than anyone else as to why cannabis works for me and not other folks. If I knew the answer to that one, well you know how it goes. There is absolutely no way anyone will ever convince me that weed is bad for you. I have lived it, I have heard all the bad stuff that "they" want us to believe. You all know too. Gateway drug, It causes cancer and leg cramps. Not to mention murderous thoughts that wander through a potheads brain along with laziness and all that other bullshit. I say crap. It is all just a huge load of crap. I spent half a life time working my skinny little ass off. Not lazy. No cancer. I have never thought about killing or raping anyone. I have never thought about beating up drunks and wiggers either. I have never had thoughts of cheating on my wife or beating my kids. I love nature and all that it is. Well maybe except for the vampire bugs. Am I a hippie? Maybe so. But I take regular showers so that may disqualify me. Am I a redneck? Most definitely. My long hair does not cover my redneck. Ha. I am also very patriotic. I believe in my country but I doubt my government. I also do not trust or respect my government. Way too many lies over my lifetime from those folks. I am a free spirit, my spirituality and my Constitution guarantees that. If I want to smoke weed then I am going to. I really don't care what the government says.
I smoke weed. Does that make me a bad person. Probably not. Does that make me lazy. Sometimes. Does it make me forget to pay the light bill. No. I feel that I do better work when I have a slight buzz on. Helps keep me focused. I smoked weed while I was in the Navy. I smoked on an aircraft carriers at sea many times. I have smoked while driving a semi down the mountain. I wrecked one semi. Stone cold sober at the time I hit the black ice. That was a hell of a ride. I have never been arrested for anything after I got out of the Navy. I did take a couple of busts while in the Navy. Simple possession. I paid my fines and made some good friends while I was in the brig. Most of those were Marines. Great bunch of guys. Semper Fi Marines.
So look around. See that guy in the suit? Yep he smokes weed at home and nobody knows. Come out of the closet and speak up. See that Doctor over there? Yea he smokes too. And that Judge. Weeds smokers are not all hippy looking hoodlums. Folks that smoke weed are all around you. Your childs teacher goes home after a hard day and gets a little buzz before bedtime. Problem? Nope. We own our own homes and have nice cars. I just bought a newer pick up. Really new but not brand new. I can't afford two brand new cars. Not all smokers live in the getto or a trailer park or the barrio. Yea I know there are some people who really should stay away from mind altering substances. That would include booze. If you can't handle your high then you probably should not be getting high. Doesn't matter what the substance is.
Well I think I should end this one. It is getting a tad long. And there's that thing with my hands that make this difficult. So in closing, I will say this. If your a friend or someone who knows me, but didn't know I smoke, well now it is out there and I feel better for it. Know me for what I am and not what I do. Have a great day and help some one today for free, you'll feel better for it. Thank you and good night.
Ok on to the weed. I have been smoking most of my life. There were periods of time when I didn't smoke at all. Most of the time I smoked was mostly to get high and help me sleep. That has changed somewhat since I started having problems. It didn't take long for me to realize that smoking some weed seemed to help with a lot of these problems. It helps calm down the constant ache of arthritis. It helps with the fibro. I sleep better and it really does help with my anxiety. Smoking weed makes the IBS a little easier to live with. It does nothing for the Reynaulds. Nor does it do anything for the hypoglycemia, except when it helps my appetite. Kinda goes hand in hand with the hypoglycemia. Weed really helps a lot in helping me deal with the tinnitus. That shit gets really loud sometimes. Or theres a pressure change in my ears and that usually hurts like hell. My brother said once that the only reason I smoke weed for pain is it makes me forget about the pain. Well now, no shit? I don't care how it works, I just care that it does work. I'm sure that smoking weed does not make me forget about the pain. It's almost always there. What weed does do is make it so much easier to deal with it all. It does lessen the pain in my fingers and hands. Somewhat. I am not going to sit here and say that smoking weed takes all my pain and mental problems away. It does not do that. It does calm down the fibro, but when I'm in a serious flare it only makes it easier to deal with. I can suck it up a little better. The sensitivity to sound is much less when I smoke. The light sensitivity not so much, but I've always been a little sensitive to bright light. I have to wear really dark polarized sunglasses when I'm outside in any weather or I simply can not see well at all.I suppose that could have it's dangers but what can I do? stay inside all the time? Sorry not my cup of wine. I like being outside and I like being in touch with nature as much as I can anyway.
Back to the weed. I'm pretty much an old school smoker. I smoke then I stop then I smoke some more and so and such forth. I don't get into all the different strains out there, way too confusing. I don't get into all the way cool stuff thats out there for weed connoisseurs. I just want for the pain to be gone, or liveable. See I don't know anymore than anyone else as to why cannabis works for me and not other folks. If I knew the answer to that one, well you know how it goes. There is absolutely no way anyone will ever convince me that weed is bad for you. I have lived it, I have heard all the bad stuff that "they" want us to believe. You all know too. Gateway drug, It causes cancer and leg cramps. Not to mention murderous thoughts that wander through a potheads brain along with laziness and all that other bullshit. I say crap. It is all just a huge load of crap. I spent half a life time working my skinny little ass off. Not lazy. No cancer. I have never thought about killing or raping anyone. I have never thought about beating up drunks and wiggers either. I have never had thoughts of cheating on my wife or beating my kids. I love nature and all that it is. Well maybe except for the vampire bugs. Am I a hippie? Maybe so. But I take regular showers so that may disqualify me. Am I a redneck? Most definitely. My long hair does not cover my redneck. Ha. I am also very patriotic. I believe in my country but I doubt my government. I also do not trust or respect my government. Way too many lies over my lifetime from those folks. I am a free spirit, my spirituality and my Constitution guarantees that. If I want to smoke weed then I am going to. I really don't care what the government says.
I smoke weed. Does that make me a bad person. Probably not. Does that make me lazy. Sometimes. Does it make me forget to pay the light bill. No. I feel that I do better work when I have a slight buzz on. Helps keep me focused. I smoked weed while I was in the Navy. I smoked on an aircraft carriers at sea many times. I have smoked while driving a semi down the mountain. I wrecked one semi. Stone cold sober at the time I hit the black ice. That was a hell of a ride. I have never been arrested for anything after I got out of the Navy. I did take a couple of busts while in the Navy. Simple possession. I paid my fines and made some good friends while I was in the brig. Most of those were Marines. Great bunch of guys. Semper Fi Marines.
So look around. See that guy in the suit? Yep he smokes weed at home and nobody knows. Come out of the closet and speak up. See that Doctor over there? Yea he smokes too. And that Judge. Weeds smokers are not all hippy looking hoodlums. Folks that smoke weed are all around you. Your childs teacher goes home after a hard day and gets a little buzz before bedtime. Problem? Nope. We own our own homes and have nice cars. I just bought a newer pick up. Really new but not brand new. I can't afford two brand new cars. Not all smokers live in the getto or a trailer park or the barrio. Yea I know there are some people who really should stay away from mind altering substances. That would include booze. If you can't handle your high then you probably should not be getting high. Doesn't matter what the substance is.
Well I think I should end this one. It is getting a tad long. And there's that thing with my hands that make this difficult. So in closing, I will say this. If your a friend or someone who knows me, but didn't know I smoke, well now it is out there and I feel better for it. Know me for what I am and not what I do. Have a great day and help some one today for free, you'll feel better for it. Thank you and good night.
01 May 2011
My Ghost Post
First off let me make one thing perfectly clear. I do not believe in ghosts. Spirits in the Native American way maybe but not ghosts. This may be a pretty long post due to the back story and all that. My wife and I purchased this house in Dec 2004. Almost from the start I was hearing what sounded like whispering coming from the vents. I blew that off thinking some one was listening to a radio or CD player at a low volume. Many months went by and I still kept hearing voices coming from the vents. Very soft and distant sounding. I don't remember exactly the time line here but this is how thing played out. Our cat at the time died followed shortly by my brothers dog. Both animals lived in this house both of them more or less died here. I mentioned the voices in the vents one time offhandedly at dinner. My oldest son looked at me and said "You hear the voices too?" Yea that was a little creepy but I didn't let on. Since then the voices have gone and come back numerous times.
One time we had friends over and one of their sons was standing by the Ash tree in the backyard with his hands up in the air. He said he wanted "the old man" to pick him up. Yikes. Yea I got goosebumps on that one. No I still do not believe in ghosts. So on and off over these last 6 and a half years I have heard voices in the vents. Let me remind you that I have tinnitus ( ringing in my ears) all the time. I can not get away from it.
Ok now a couple of years or so ago is when I started to feel a cat jump up on the bed right after I get in to go to sleep. Oh yea we now have 2 cats and one large dog. The cat jumping up on the bed is very light footed. I really would rather not have a cat in bed with me as I am trying to go to sleep. After I'm asleep I dont care. They can sleep with us if they want. So when I feel the cat jump up on the bed I looked, and no cat. So I blew it off. Imagination right? This went on for a pretty long time so I would check and see just where the cats were before I went to bed. They were almost always sleeping some where else in the house.Then I said something to my wife about it in an offhanded kind of way. She looked at me and said You feel that too? Yep I sure do I said. Now we joke about the ghost cat in the house. I still do not believe in ghosts. So lately I have been hearing the voices again only now it's in the daytime. I take a nap almost every day and I turn down the TV so I won't listen instead of trying to sleep. Now the voices sound a little like a radio announcer at a distance. I can hear these voices over the ringing in my ears. No these voices are not talking to me directly. Just in case anyone is thinking that. I can't even make out words. Just soft and distant voices and I do not feel that they are talking to me.
Ok now on to my dilemma. I have been seeing a shrink on and off for a couple of years. Actually I've seen 3 shrinks. I have not told any of them about the whispers in the vents. I am treating at the VA for PTSD and major depression. I even filed a claim. I never told them mostly because the subject has never come up. But should I tell the good Doctor about the voices? You know how some of these guys can get. I am a serious gun collector and I shoot what I collect. I also smoke weed on a daily basis. I've talked about that here a couple times I think. But I can not help thinking that mentioning the voices may not be a good idea. I own guns and I smoke weed. Now I hear voices? Yea you tell me what the Doc might think. Should I say something or should I just let it ride? Good question and I do not have an answer.
I know I'll get asked what the voices are saying to me. Well they are not saying anything to me. At least I don't think so. Just random mumbling. And I still don't believe in ghosts, mostly. Ha I know it is changing my view on ghosts. The damn cat was on our bed the other night. Walking all over the bed too. My wife told me she felt it too because she looked up, and yep no cat. I also looked and I saw the same thing. No cat. Both of the live cats were sleeping in the living room. I am starting to make it a habit to know where they are at when I go to bed. I can certainly tell the difference between the live cats and the ghost cat. The live cats are much heavier than the ghost cat and the ghost cats walks like a whisper. Martha and I both agree that the ghost cat is Smokey. The cat we had when we first moved in. Smokey was a rescue cat and she was large for a house cat. Bigger than either of the cats we have now. I liked Smokey. I cried a little when she died. I'll let her stay, she really liked this house. So I guess that's more or less it on the ghost thing. We know who they are and they really don't cause any trouble so as far as I am concerned they can stay. That is until I need a place to stay after I go to the clearing at the end of the path. I shall say later days my friends, who you gonna call???
One time we had friends over and one of their sons was standing by the Ash tree in the backyard with his hands up in the air. He said he wanted "the old man" to pick him up. Yikes. Yea I got goosebumps on that one. No I still do not believe in ghosts. So on and off over these last 6 and a half years I have heard voices in the vents. Let me remind you that I have tinnitus ( ringing in my ears) all the time. I can not get away from it.
Ok now a couple of years or so ago is when I started to feel a cat jump up on the bed right after I get in to go to sleep. Oh yea we now have 2 cats and one large dog. The cat jumping up on the bed is very light footed. I really would rather not have a cat in bed with me as I am trying to go to sleep. After I'm asleep I dont care. They can sleep with us if they want. So when I feel the cat jump up on the bed I looked, and no cat. So I blew it off. Imagination right? This went on for a pretty long time so I would check and see just where the cats were before I went to bed. They were almost always sleeping some where else in the house.Then I said something to my wife about it in an offhanded kind of way. She looked at me and said You feel that too? Yep I sure do I said. Now we joke about the ghost cat in the house. I still do not believe in ghosts. So lately I have been hearing the voices again only now it's in the daytime. I take a nap almost every day and I turn down the TV so I won't listen instead of trying to sleep. Now the voices sound a little like a radio announcer at a distance. I can hear these voices over the ringing in my ears. No these voices are not talking to me directly. Just in case anyone is thinking that. I can't even make out words. Just soft and distant voices and I do not feel that they are talking to me.
Ok now on to my dilemma. I have been seeing a shrink on and off for a couple of years. Actually I've seen 3 shrinks. I have not told any of them about the whispers in the vents. I am treating at the VA for PTSD and major depression. I even filed a claim. I never told them mostly because the subject has never come up. But should I tell the good Doctor about the voices? You know how some of these guys can get. I am a serious gun collector and I shoot what I collect. I also smoke weed on a daily basis. I've talked about that here a couple times I think. But I can not help thinking that mentioning the voices may not be a good idea. I own guns and I smoke weed. Now I hear voices? Yea you tell me what the Doc might think. Should I say something or should I just let it ride? Good question and I do not have an answer.
I know I'll get asked what the voices are saying to me. Well they are not saying anything to me. At least I don't think so. Just random mumbling. And I still don't believe in ghosts, mostly. Ha I know it is changing my view on ghosts. The damn cat was on our bed the other night. Walking all over the bed too. My wife told me she felt it too because she looked up, and yep no cat. I also looked and I saw the same thing. No cat. Both of the live cats were sleeping in the living room. I am starting to make it a habit to know where they are at when I go to bed. I can certainly tell the difference between the live cats and the ghost cat. The live cats are much heavier than the ghost cat and the ghost cats walks like a whisper. Martha and I both agree that the ghost cat is Smokey. The cat we had when we first moved in. Smokey was a rescue cat and she was large for a house cat. Bigger than either of the cats we have now. I liked Smokey. I cried a little when she died. I'll let her stay, she really liked this house. So I guess that's more or less it on the ghost thing. We know who they are and they really don't cause any trouble so as far as I am concerned they can stay. That is until I need a place to stay after I go to the clearing at the end of the path. I shall say later days my friends, who you gonna call???
18 April 2011
Reflections
Today is just one of those kinda of days. The weather sucks, my fibro is reminding me in a big way that I am sick. My arthritis is also giving me a ton of grief. So I sit here lookig out the window at the cloudy ski and I started to go back in memory. I look back and see myself in my child hood. That sucked. I told you about it in breif a few posts ago. As an adult my life hasn't been the greatest but then again it hasn't been terrible either. I have fucked up a lot, but not too bad. I sorta made it through 2 years and 8 months of aircraft carrier duty without too many scares. None on the outside anyway. I drove big trucks for close to 15 years and never wrecked out except for a sideways trip through the median once when I slid off an icy interstate. Yea that was fun. You shouda been there. My shoulder is still screwed up from that one. That was over 15 years ago. So for the most part my life has been pretty good. More good than bad. See the thing is that now all the bad is starting to come back to the top. When I smell diesel fuel I am magically taken back in time to the flight deck. It doesn't take much of an input and poof there I am. A helicopter or the sound of a fighter jet off in the distance. I try to not let those thoughts in, but hey ya know it happens. I try to replace the bad thoughts with good ones but that doesnt always work. When I get to feeling lousy I always try to "suck it up". I am not always successful with that. I am getting better at handling it though. I think. I jumped at my wife the other day for pretty much no reason. I was feeling crappy and I let it get out. In short I did apologize and got on with the day or evening. We ended up going out and watching a new band. More on the band later. I also thought of a new subject for me to blog about. Ghosts. Yep I did say that. And I will make an entirely new post on that subject. You may find it interesting, or maybe not. So until then I shall say, Later days my friends. Smoke em if ya got em....
05 December 2010
Random Thoughts
It's Sunday and it's also cloudy and drizzly. Day 2 of Wisconsin's deer season. I don't hunt nor do I care to learn. I feel that stage of my life passed me by. Do I regret not learning how to hunt? No. If people want to hunt that's fine with me. It's just not my cup of joe. I do have a nice little gun collection though. But that's just what it is. A collection. I collect older military weapons. I started with a couple old Russian bolt action rifles and it kinda keeps on going. If I find something a little different or old and not expensive then I will try to buy it. I have 6 rifles ranging from 22 ca. up to 7.62. My wife has a vintage shot gun and a derringer. The derringer is the only new gun Ive bought, more as a novelty and collectible than anything else. My youngest son has a deer rifle. I also have a revolver. An 80 year old Russian. All my firearms are in perfect working order too. I will not buy junk just because it is old. They have to go boom when you pull the trigger.
Firing a large caliber firearm is pretty exciting. Not like, get my dick hard exciting but not like driving fast either. I can't explain it. I guess you either know or you don't. You need to fire one to find out I guess. I like to shoot. I like the feel of the gun and I like having my revolver on my belt. I really like it when I hit the target. Shooting is kinda of an expensive hobby though. Thats one reason I like the old Russian stuff. Ammo is dirt cheap. Maybe it is time for me to buy a couple of older American military firearms. I would like to get an M-14 and or an M-1. I prefer rifles over hand guns though. I don't know why. Maybe because I'm a better shot with a rifle. Maybe because rifles are just a tad safer than handguns. If you can say firearms are safe. And they are actually, it's the person behind it that is unsafe. Every one needs a hobby right? I just happen to chose firearms and shooting. I used to build model cars but I guess I outgrew that.
Shooting can be a ton of fun, but with the arthritis and the fibro pulling the trigger can be very painful. Not to mention the sound and the recoil. I know how to hold a rifle so the recoil really isn't too big a deal but I do feel it through my whole body. So I don't go out as much as I'd like. And now it's getting cold out so I will probably clean and oil all my firearms for the winter. That's the down side of shooting. Having to clean the firearm after shooing it. Tedious but kinda fun. A clean firearm is less likely to jam too. It is time once again to close out and sign out. Farewell my friends, until we meet again. Have a wonderful day..
Firing a large caliber firearm is pretty exciting. Not like, get my dick hard exciting but not like driving fast either. I can't explain it. I guess you either know or you don't. You need to fire one to find out I guess. I like to shoot. I like the feel of the gun and I like having my revolver on my belt. I really like it when I hit the target. Shooting is kinda of an expensive hobby though. Thats one reason I like the old Russian stuff. Ammo is dirt cheap. Maybe it is time for me to buy a couple of older American military firearms. I would like to get an M-14 and or an M-1. I prefer rifles over hand guns though. I don't know why. Maybe because I'm a better shot with a rifle. Maybe because rifles are just a tad safer than handguns. If you can say firearms are safe. And they are actually, it's the person behind it that is unsafe. Every one needs a hobby right? I just happen to chose firearms and shooting. I used to build model cars but I guess I outgrew that.
Shooting can be a ton of fun, but with the arthritis and the fibro pulling the trigger can be very painful. Not to mention the sound and the recoil. I know how to hold a rifle so the recoil really isn't too big a deal but I do feel it through my whole body. So I don't go out as much as I'd like. And now it's getting cold out so I will probably clean and oil all my firearms for the winter. That's the down side of shooting. Having to clean the firearm after shooing it. Tedious but kinda fun. A clean firearm is less likely to jam too. It is time once again to close out and sign out. Farewell my friends, until we meet again. Have a wonderful day..
15 November 2010
Another Flare up
It's been awhile since I posted. Time seems to have grown wings or should I say jet engines. The months went by that fast.My trip went well. I have a lot of pics and memories. I had fun most of the time but I was battling with fibro pain and maybe some prescription drug problems. I quit all but one of my scrips. I do feel much better. Mostly. I've bee riding a flare up for 4 days now and that is making me just a little bummed out. I hate that. I want to do things and get ready for winter but, nooo I have to be sick. I try so hard to keep upbeat and not show my, just what the hell are we suppose to call this? It's not a disease. Syndrome sounds too much like a movie. Although sometimes, well all the time I wish it were a movie. Some cheesy sci-fi flick from the 60s.
So I do my best to hide this. That is what is expected of me. I am suppose to be a "man". I am suppose to do the "man up" thing. Ya know screw that. I hurt. All the time. Every waking moment. Sleeping ones to, I'm sure. It hurts to fix my tea in the morning. Damn it hurts to get out of bed, yet I do. I get out of bed and I do what I do. But that does not mean I don't hurt. It hurts to have my arms above my head. Reaching for something up high. It hurts to bend over. It hurts to walk the puppy. More ways than just physical too. It hurts to type this. But I do it. I do what I can. I tire very easy. But I try to keep going. When asked how I'm doing I almost always say I'm doing great or at least good. Even though I may be sick a hell or tired I still try to keep it hidden. I hate that. Why should I have to hide anything?? I am an adult. But I still have to hide my feelings. My irritation with something is always misconstrued as severe anger. No. My illness or syndrome is misconstrued as laziness. Why? Are we as humans so afraid of some one that is not as healthy as the rest of the population?
I made a comment one night at the bar about being disabled and not being able to do much except sit at home and smoke weed. So I get a really dirty look and a comment from a guy that went something like this. " You mean to tell me that you sit around all day smoking weed and collecting disability?" I said "yea pretty much." He said why should his tax dollars go to support that. I said that for one thing his tax dollars have nothing to do with it. Two things. I worked all my life at hard labor kind of jobs and I paid my share of fica. Thats what I am collecting right now. Not your tax dollars. I did not comment on the fact that he had to weigh in at some where north of 300# plus he had a beer and was stuffing a very large and nasty looking garbage pizza in his face, while sucking on a cigarette . Just another redneck witch burner. It will be his turn sooner than he thinks. I have no room in my life for people like that.
So, because of that kind of attitude out there I no longer volunteer info on what is wrong with me or my body. I even try to derail the subject if it comes up. I will turn the conversation around to something other than my disability's. I have had to learn the same lesson over and over. I simply can not talk about what is bothering me or how I feel about certain subjects. Hence the blog I guess. I have even told some people that I work for the US government and I can not talk about it. They laugh but I get a chance to change the subject. What ever works the best I guess. So I shall end this post because it's time to go get something for lunch.
May we all meet in the clearing at the end of the path...
So I do my best to hide this. That is what is expected of me. I am suppose to be a "man". I am suppose to do the "man up" thing. Ya know screw that. I hurt. All the time. Every waking moment. Sleeping ones to, I'm sure. It hurts to fix my tea in the morning. Damn it hurts to get out of bed, yet I do. I get out of bed and I do what I do. But that does not mean I don't hurt. It hurts to have my arms above my head. Reaching for something up high. It hurts to bend over. It hurts to walk the puppy. More ways than just physical too. It hurts to type this. But I do it. I do what I can. I tire very easy. But I try to keep going. When asked how I'm doing I almost always say I'm doing great or at least good. Even though I may be sick a hell or tired I still try to keep it hidden. I hate that. Why should I have to hide anything?? I am an adult. But I still have to hide my feelings. My irritation with something is always misconstrued as severe anger. No. My illness or syndrome is misconstrued as laziness. Why? Are we as humans so afraid of some one that is not as healthy as the rest of the population?
I made a comment one night at the bar about being disabled and not being able to do much except sit at home and smoke weed. So I get a really dirty look and a comment from a guy that went something like this. " You mean to tell me that you sit around all day smoking weed and collecting disability?" I said "yea pretty much." He said why should his tax dollars go to support that. I said that for one thing his tax dollars have nothing to do with it. Two things. I worked all my life at hard labor kind of jobs and I paid my share of fica. Thats what I am collecting right now. Not your tax dollars. I did not comment on the fact that he had to weigh in at some where north of 300# plus he had a beer and was stuffing a very large and nasty looking garbage pizza in his face, while sucking on a cigarette . Just another redneck witch burner. It will be his turn sooner than he thinks. I have no room in my life for people like that.
So, because of that kind of attitude out there I no longer volunteer info on what is wrong with me or my body. I even try to derail the subject if it comes up. I will turn the conversation around to something other than my disability's. I have had to learn the same lesson over and over. I simply can not talk about what is bothering me or how I feel about certain subjects. Hence the blog I guess. I have even told some people that I work for the US government and I can not talk about it. They laugh but I get a chance to change the subject. What ever works the best I guess. So I shall end this post because it's time to go get something for lunch.
May we all meet in the clearing at the end of the path...
28 April 2010
Vacation is getting close
I thought that I would post something a little more up beat than I have been. I am going to be taking a 10 to 14 day vacation in May. Just about 10 days away now. I am going to use this time to try to find myself again. I am going to my sisters for a few days and then I am going to drive off into the mountains and start looking for my inner self,as it were.
I will have an itineray and I will stick to it mostly. I might change highways in the middle of the day but my destination will be the same as I have planned. I am pretty much going to drive straight to my sisters. I have both my stops planned and I have reservations for motels. After I leave my sis's I will head towards the Grand Tetons and I'll stop for a night in Jackson Wy. before I drive through Teton Natl. Park and then Yellowstone. I plan on staying in Cody Wy for a couple of days maybe. It might be super cool. All cowboy and rodeos and stuff like that. I get into old west stuff. Pretty cool you know The Duke and Henry Fonda and even good ole Ronny Regan.
I'll probably head home after my stay in Cody. I have responsibility's here to take care of. I will wander back on the state and US highways instead of the Interstates. It's more fun and you see way more and it's generally cheaper. I think I'll head south a little when I leave Cody and check out Devils Tower and the Badlands. I might even get by Mt. Rushmore too I don't know yet. The car is new and I have AAA and a pretty good max on my credit card so I shouldn't have any problems that I can't handle on the road.
Once I get to the flat lands I'm going to just hammer home. I've seen about all of the plains states that I can handle. I can make the drive from the Badlands to here in a day and a half taking my time. Maybe a day if i hurry but I'm not in a hurry. That's what this trip is about. Relaxing and taking my time. Time once again to sign off. My hand hurts lika ell and I 'm getting a little tired. Happy trails to you ,until we meet again....
I will have an itineray and I will stick to it mostly. I might change highways in the middle of the day but my destination will be the same as I have planned. I am pretty much going to drive straight to my sisters. I have both my stops planned and I have reservations for motels. After I leave my sis's I will head towards the Grand Tetons and I'll stop for a night in Jackson Wy. before I drive through Teton Natl. Park and then Yellowstone. I plan on staying in Cody Wy for a couple of days maybe. It might be super cool. All cowboy and rodeos and stuff like that. I get into old west stuff. Pretty cool you know The Duke and Henry Fonda and even good ole Ronny Regan.
I'll probably head home after my stay in Cody. I have responsibility's here to take care of. I will wander back on the state and US highways instead of the Interstates. It's more fun and you see way more and it's generally cheaper. I think I'll head south a little when I leave Cody and check out Devils Tower and the Badlands. I might even get by Mt. Rushmore too I don't know yet. The car is new and I have AAA and a pretty good max on my credit card so I shouldn't have any problems that I can't handle on the road.
Once I get to the flat lands I'm going to just hammer home. I've seen about all of the plains states that I can handle. I can make the drive from the Badlands to here in a day and a half taking my time. Maybe a day if i hurry but I'm not in a hurry. That's what this trip is about. Relaxing and taking my time. Time once again to sign off. My hand hurts lika ell and I 'm getting a little tired. Happy trails to you ,until we meet again....
27 April 2010
Why I'm upset.
Another blue post. Kinda had another argument with my wife today. I got irritated with my son and ended up having it out with her. I don't even know how to start this. I love my wife with all my heart and then some. I love my kids with all my heart and then some. All I want from the kids is to do what I ask when I ask. Without a ton of grief.
My wife is a whole nother story. I would love some understanding from her. She says she is trying but I don't see it. Maybe I can't see it. I said something to day about my pain and she comes back with this "everyone has aches and pains" Fuck I hate that. I know everyone has aches and pains. But not like this. Not 24 fucking hours a day every god damn day of the year. I do not get a day off and I do not get to relax. I do not even get the pleasure of a decent bowl movement. I do not get the joy of eating some of the food that I so love. I do not enjoy not having sexual desires. That is not just my wife either. I do not have a sexual desire for anyone. Not my wife, ( and that does hurt very much), not the cute little skinny girl at the bar or even the very hot asian bartender in Eleva. That is simply not me. I have tired to tell her that its my problem. She wont believe me. She thinks its her, because she has gained a little weight since we got married.
I don't care if she gained some weight.( well I do care about her health). And to be very honest with myself and my friends and my wife. This has been going on with me for a very long time. Maybe more than 10 years. I keep good secrets. Why can't women take it for what it's worth. When I say it's me then damn it it is me. I have fibromyalgia. Lots of shit goes wrong with my body. And then there's times when things go wrong at the worst possible moment. Can we say an attack of IBS while out at a nice restaurant. Kinda hard to get in the mood for sex when your afraid that you'll crap yourself when you cum. There its out. Its more than gross and I fucking hate it. I spend more time on the damn pot than I care to even think about. Not to mention the pain. I have pain that gets worse when I exercise or when I get excited or when I get scared or when I get angry.
Exercise and excitement go hand in hand with sex. It is very hard to get aroused or even to think about sex when you know that even getting excited will cause some kind of pain.
See what my wife fails to understand is that if I wanted to go out and get laid or to even have an on going affair then I could most certainly do so. I don't want that. If I want or desire sex then I will do my best to seduce my wife. Not some bar bimbo. The women around here are just a little on the pysco side anyway. Shit most times I don't even have an urge to masturbate. That is very unusual for me. I try. I try to get horny and I try to get desires. I flirt with women to see if I can get horny. Doesn't work It would be no less than embarrassing if a women took me up on my flirts and I had to back off because she really doesn't do anything for me. So is it any wonder that I get moody? I try to suck all that up but sometimes it boils over. I'm tired of writing and my wrists are killing me. I'm going to go now and try to sleep. Good night. May the force be with you.
My wife is a whole nother story. I would love some understanding from her. She says she is trying but I don't see it. Maybe I can't see it. I said something to day about my pain and she comes back with this "everyone has aches and pains" Fuck I hate that. I know everyone has aches and pains. But not like this. Not 24 fucking hours a day every god damn day of the year. I do not get a day off and I do not get to relax. I do not even get the pleasure of a decent bowl movement. I do not get the joy of eating some of the food that I so love. I do not enjoy not having sexual desires. That is not just my wife either. I do not have a sexual desire for anyone. Not my wife, ( and that does hurt very much), not the cute little skinny girl at the bar or even the very hot asian bartender in Eleva. That is simply not me. I have tired to tell her that its my problem. She wont believe me. She thinks its her, because she has gained a little weight since we got married.
I don't care if she gained some weight.( well I do care about her health). And to be very honest with myself and my friends and my wife. This has been going on with me for a very long time. Maybe more than 10 years. I keep good secrets. Why can't women take it for what it's worth. When I say it's me then damn it it is me. I have fibromyalgia. Lots of shit goes wrong with my body. And then there's times when things go wrong at the worst possible moment. Can we say an attack of IBS while out at a nice restaurant. Kinda hard to get in the mood for sex when your afraid that you'll crap yourself when you cum. There its out. Its more than gross and I fucking hate it. I spend more time on the damn pot than I care to even think about. Not to mention the pain. I have pain that gets worse when I exercise or when I get excited or when I get scared or when I get angry.
Exercise and excitement go hand in hand with sex. It is very hard to get aroused or even to think about sex when you know that even getting excited will cause some kind of pain.
See what my wife fails to understand is that if I wanted to go out and get laid or to even have an on going affair then I could most certainly do so. I don't want that. If I want or desire sex then I will do my best to seduce my wife. Not some bar bimbo. The women around here are just a little on the pysco side anyway. Shit most times I don't even have an urge to masturbate. That is very unusual for me. I try. I try to get horny and I try to get desires. I flirt with women to see if I can get horny. Doesn't work It would be no less than embarrassing if a women took me up on my flirts and I had to back off because she really doesn't do anything for me. So is it any wonder that I get moody? I try to suck all that up but sometimes it boils over. I'm tired of writing and my wrists are killing me. I'm going to go now and try to sleep. Good night. May the force be with you.
22 April 2010
Atheism or Faith?
Well I have finally decided to broach this subject on my blog. I keep letting a little more out. I think I have already mentioned my need for weed. So now I will post a blog about my faith or lack there of. My very best friend, and I feel that we go much deeper than "friends", possibly on a spiritual level. My friend Tam wrote on her squidoo page about her friends that are religious are suggesting that she look to God for some help with her physical problems. It has been suggested that I try the same thing to see if it would help me deal with my fibro. It'll tie in just wait.
Faith and God. See when I was a young child I was constantly being pushed hard to go to church. My aunt and uncle used to try to get me to go up and take Jesus into my heart. Now I don't know why but even at that young age I was uncomfortable with that idea. My parents always insisted that i go to church.Mom sent me to Sunday school and my step father told me I had to go to church or face punishment. I went to Sunday school. I liked it. I liked learning about Moses and the Ten Commandments. I liked learning about Jesus and Mary. Jesus died for our sins. Says so in the Bible. I believe that. I have a hard time with the resurrection thing though. That subject will lead me in another direction so I'll try to stay focused here. So I learned all this about being faithful to God and Jesus. To believe that by having faith, life would some how be better. Thats what i learned ,in short , in Sunday school. Then I would have to answer all kinds of questions about all kinds of Bible stuff and God . If I didn't know then I would get beat. If I did know I was accused of cheating and I got beat. Kinda like my school career. Even at a young age and before I even knew what the word meant I understood hypocrisy. How could I have faith in a God that allowed me to be beat for telling the truth.
To this day I still have a hard time with being sure that someone is believing me. See I wanted to believe. I so wanted to believe. I had faith and I would pray. I would pray that he wouldn't beat my Mom. I would pray that he wouldn't beat me or come upstairs and beat me awake. I couldn't figure out why it took me so long to learn to hide under my bed or just bail out the window. Yes I did say upstairs. How could God allow this to happen? I even went to Sunday school like I was told so I could put my trust in God and Jesus. And I did. For a few years anyway. Not more than 3 or 4 years. I was a slow learner. My childhood was during the height of Viet Nam. I was made to watch the news, every night. I was to suppose to be aware of how many young Soldiers and Marines had died that day. I had to watch when there was a war crime say like the massacre at My Lai. How could God allow our Soldiers to do something like that? Then i had to go to church or Sunday school. I would pray for all the people in Viet Nam that had to live with the war in their backyard. I learned in public school about the crusades. In the Name of God. I was losing my faith in a really big hurry. I saw the news of the little Vietnamese girl who was burned by napalm. God? God doesn't allow little girls to get burned. Oh yes he does. I remember when Cathy down the street got burned. Her skin was coming off like the girl in Viet Nam. My Mom was burned when she was a little girl so I guess I'm a little sensitive to that. After Cathy got burned and after Richard got killed Richard was first then Cathy. Same family. Richard was killed by a drunk driver. Cathy was playing with a campfire and the gas spilled. Then I got beat. I got beat because Cathy got burned. Don't play with fire he said then to make a point I guess. So my faith was rapidly disappearing. As I went through my teens and saw first hand the real hypocrisy of religion and how war and God seem to go hand in hand I lost all my faith. I know now that it was when I was a teen that I lost it. My faith that is. I have lost "it" many times in my life.
I left town and joined the Navy when I was 19 after a very turbulent adolescence. I started to get a little faith back while I was overseas. Maybe it was seeing different religions and beliefs, I don't know. I still had problems with faith though. I had relationship problems too. I watched religious families rip into each other like they were mortal enemy's. I didn't see God. I sort of coasted through life for a couple of years until I decided on learning how to drive a semi. My Mom pretty much told me I was nuts. I did it anyway. Who was I to listen to Mom right? My life now anyway. I had the chance to stay and live with my parents while I was out driving trucks. Things had gotten much worse between them. I told Mom to leave him many times. She wouldn't. I never understood that. Why would you live with someone who beat you? I prayed many times to try to get God to get my Mom to leave. He never answered. I felt abandoned. My Mom wasn't really there for me and my stepfather certainly wasn't there for me. And God wasn't there either. My friends still died and children still get killed and hurt in war. I left again and went back to the coast. 3 weeks later I got word that my Mom had died. I had left 3 weeks earlier and my Mom was fine. she wasn't sick or in any danger when I had left. I went to a very good friends house so I could call and try to find out what happened. She knew, and I believe a few more of my friends knew before I did. I had been out of town working in Los Angles for a few days so I was out of touch. Anyway I called my aunt and I had to almost beg her to tell me what happened. She told me that my stepfather had killed my Mom in an alcoholic blackout. Turns out he was on a dry drunk. Doesn't matter does it? Where in the fuck was God that day. I had a meltdown.
I ended up in drug treatment 8 months later. I learned about having a higher power while I was in treatment. I also learned that there were a lot of people with wrecked and broken lives. I was ok with the higher power thing for a little while until I meet a lady from OK City that told me I had inspired her to check herself into treatment. We became friends and one night she came to me and asked if i would hold her while she prayed to her non-existent God. She didn't believe any more than most of the others in treatment. I held her as she prayed and she asked if I would pray with her and I did. We held each other for what seemed like a very long time and we prayed together. Not out loud. Now being the non believer I was, I was not ready for what happened next. I felt the warmest strangest feeling I had ever had. WE held each other tighter and we became one with each other. We both had a spiritual awakening that can only be described as very spiritually orgasmic. In body and mind. We both had experienced the most wonderful orgasms ever. We talked about it many times while we were in treatment together.We had become soul mates that night and we never even got naked. I'd like to have that happen again sometime but you know. Right after that she went back to her room and I went to the chapel. I knelled down in front of the alter and prayed to Jesus. I looked right at him crucified in front of me. I told him to make me a believer. Make me see the light. I forgave my stepfather that night. I also forgave my Mom. I told the figure of Jesus to prove to me that he is real. I pretty much dared him. And that is exactly what he did. I was looking at the figure and I saw him turn his head toward me not only with my eyes but inside my head. Right against my forehead like a projector. He had blue eyes and he just looked at me. I'm not sure if he said anything but I don't think so. That was almost 25 years ago.
In that time frame I met and married my wife and raised 2 strapping young men. I have had 7 or 8 cats and I am on my 3rd dog. He's the best though. Somewhere along the line I started having physical problems Yea I'm sure I was having mental problems too. Just ask my wife. I started going through jobs like I went through socks. Then about 5 or so years ago I was DXed with osteo arthritis in my hands and all of my fingers. Plus it has worked it's way into most every joint(not that kind) that I have. It got bad enough that i was having problems at work and ended up taking a voluntary lay off . I was told by a couple of docs that I should look for lighter work or think about disability. Yea I said , No. Too young , I was just shy of 50. My body kept getting worse and I didn't have a clue what was wrong. So i flipped my lid a lot. Yelled and screamed and fought with my wife. Never fist fought just lots of yelling and me poppin a couple holes in walls. I was on a rant. For almost 3 years. I fought SSDI I fought my wife I fought with myself. I had some serious demons. I even considered suicide. I came oh so close a couple of times and I called Tam at those times and she helped me pull through. I had a very hard time dealing with my fibro and the fact that I will not be the same physically for the rest of my life. I used to be pretty damn strong guy. Mm not so much anymore. Fibro is a predominately female syndrome. If there is a God I don't think I appreciate his sense of humor. This shit is not funny. Those of us with chronic pain and other problems never get a day off from our pain. We stagger like drunks at times while being stared at. We get sick so much our friends are afraid to call fearing that we are sick yet again. God? I don't think so. My non belief is a major sandbar in my marriage too. No worries, I hope, we will make it through this. Tam will get better and we will all live out nice long lives. Whether there is a God or not. Thank you for reading and my apologizes for such a long and mostly negative read. Peace my Friends........
Faith and God. See when I was a young child I was constantly being pushed hard to go to church. My aunt and uncle used to try to get me to go up and take Jesus into my heart. Now I don't know why but even at that young age I was uncomfortable with that idea. My parents always insisted that i go to church.Mom sent me to Sunday school and my step father told me I had to go to church or face punishment. I went to Sunday school. I liked it. I liked learning about Moses and the Ten Commandments. I liked learning about Jesus and Mary. Jesus died for our sins. Says so in the Bible. I believe that. I have a hard time with the resurrection thing though. That subject will lead me in another direction so I'll try to stay focused here. So I learned all this about being faithful to God and Jesus. To believe that by having faith, life would some how be better. Thats what i learned ,in short , in Sunday school. Then I would have to answer all kinds of questions about all kinds of Bible stuff and God . If I didn't know then I would get beat. If I did know I was accused of cheating and I got beat. Kinda like my school career. Even at a young age and before I even knew what the word meant I understood hypocrisy. How could I have faith in a God that allowed me to be beat for telling the truth.
To this day I still have a hard time with being sure that someone is believing me. See I wanted to believe. I so wanted to believe. I had faith and I would pray. I would pray that he wouldn't beat my Mom. I would pray that he wouldn't beat me or come upstairs and beat me awake. I couldn't figure out why it took me so long to learn to hide under my bed or just bail out the window. Yes I did say upstairs. How could God allow this to happen? I even went to Sunday school like I was told so I could put my trust in God and Jesus. And I did. For a few years anyway. Not more than 3 or 4 years. I was a slow learner. My childhood was during the height of Viet Nam. I was made to watch the news, every night. I was to suppose to be aware of how many young Soldiers and Marines had died that day. I had to watch when there was a war crime say like the massacre at My Lai. How could God allow our Soldiers to do something like that? Then i had to go to church or Sunday school. I would pray for all the people in Viet Nam that had to live with the war in their backyard. I learned in public school about the crusades. In the Name of God. I was losing my faith in a really big hurry. I saw the news of the little Vietnamese girl who was burned by napalm. God? God doesn't allow little girls to get burned. Oh yes he does. I remember when Cathy down the street got burned. Her skin was coming off like the girl in Viet Nam. My Mom was burned when she was a little girl so I guess I'm a little sensitive to that. After Cathy got burned and after Richard got killed Richard was first then Cathy. Same family. Richard was killed by a drunk driver. Cathy was playing with a campfire and the gas spilled. Then I got beat. I got beat because Cathy got burned. Don't play with fire he said then to make a point I guess. So my faith was rapidly disappearing. As I went through my teens and saw first hand the real hypocrisy of religion and how war and God seem to go hand in hand I lost all my faith. I know now that it was when I was a teen that I lost it. My faith that is. I have lost "it" many times in my life.
I left town and joined the Navy when I was 19 after a very turbulent adolescence. I started to get a little faith back while I was overseas. Maybe it was seeing different religions and beliefs, I don't know. I still had problems with faith though. I had relationship problems too. I watched religious families rip into each other like they were mortal enemy's. I didn't see God. I sort of coasted through life for a couple of years until I decided on learning how to drive a semi. My Mom pretty much told me I was nuts. I did it anyway. Who was I to listen to Mom right? My life now anyway. I had the chance to stay and live with my parents while I was out driving trucks. Things had gotten much worse between them. I told Mom to leave him many times. She wouldn't. I never understood that. Why would you live with someone who beat you? I prayed many times to try to get God to get my Mom to leave. He never answered. I felt abandoned. My Mom wasn't really there for me and my stepfather certainly wasn't there for me. And God wasn't there either. My friends still died and children still get killed and hurt in war. I left again and went back to the coast. 3 weeks later I got word that my Mom had died. I had left 3 weeks earlier and my Mom was fine. she wasn't sick or in any danger when I had left. I went to a very good friends house so I could call and try to find out what happened. She knew, and I believe a few more of my friends knew before I did. I had been out of town working in Los Angles for a few days so I was out of touch. Anyway I called my aunt and I had to almost beg her to tell me what happened. She told me that my stepfather had killed my Mom in an alcoholic blackout. Turns out he was on a dry drunk. Doesn't matter does it? Where in the fuck was God that day. I had a meltdown.
I ended up in drug treatment 8 months later. I learned about having a higher power while I was in treatment. I also learned that there were a lot of people with wrecked and broken lives. I was ok with the higher power thing for a little while until I meet a lady from OK City that told me I had inspired her to check herself into treatment. We became friends and one night she came to me and asked if i would hold her while she prayed to her non-existent God. She didn't believe any more than most of the others in treatment. I held her as she prayed and she asked if I would pray with her and I did. We held each other for what seemed like a very long time and we prayed together. Not out loud. Now being the non believer I was, I was not ready for what happened next. I felt the warmest strangest feeling I had ever had. WE held each other tighter and we became one with each other. We both had a spiritual awakening that can only be described as very spiritually orgasmic. In body and mind. We both had experienced the most wonderful orgasms ever. We talked about it many times while we were in treatment together.We had become soul mates that night and we never even got naked. I'd like to have that happen again sometime but you know. Right after that she went back to her room and I went to the chapel. I knelled down in front of the alter and prayed to Jesus. I looked right at him crucified in front of me. I told him to make me a believer. Make me see the light. I forgave my stepfather that night. I also forgave my Mom. I told the figure of Jesus to prove to me that he is real. I pretty much dared him. And that is exactly what he did. I was looking at the figure and I saw him turn his head toward me not only with my eyes but inside my head. Right against my forehead like a projector. He had blue eyes and he just looked at me. I'm not sure if he said anything but I don't think so. That was almost 25 years ago.
In that time frame I met and married my wife and raised 2 strapping young men. I have had 7 or 8 cats and I am on my 3rd dog. He's the best though. Somewhere along the line I started having physical problems Yea I'm sure I was having mental problems too. Just ask my wife. I started going through jobs like I went through socks. Then about 5 or so years ago I was DXed with osteo arthritis in my hands and all of my fingers. Plus it has worked it's way into most every joint(not that kind) that I have. It got bad enough that i was having problems at work and ended up taking a voluntary lay off . I was told by a couple of docs that I should look for lighter work or think about disability. Yea I said , No. Too young , I was just shy of 50. My body kept getting worse and I didn't have a clue what was wrong. So i flipped my lid a lot. Yelled and screamed and fought with my wife. Never fist fought just lots of yelling and me poppin a couple holes in walls. I was on a rant. For almost 3 years. I fought SSDI I fought my wife I fought with myself. I had some serious demons. I even considered suicide. I came oh so close a couple of times and I called Tam at those times and she helped me pull through. I had a very hard time dealing with my fibro and the fact that I will not be the same physically for the rest of my life. I used to be pretty damn strong guy. Mm not so much anymore. Fibro is a predominately female syndrome. If there is a God I don't think I appreciate his sense of humor. This shit is not funny. Those of us with chronic pain and other problems never get a day off from our pain. We stagger like drunks at times while being stared at. We get sick so much our friends are afraid to call fearing that we are sick yet again. God? I don't think so. My non belief is a major sandbar in my marriage too. No worries, I hope, we will make it through this. Tam will get better and we will all live out nice long lives. Whether there is a God or not. Thank you for reading and my apologizes for such a long and mostly negative read. Peace my Friends........
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