My? Fibro

I guess it's been a couple of months since I last posted an entry here. I have been feeling pretty good lately, well mostly anyways. My complaints are small and kinda minor so I won't go into them today. Today I will ramble about this fibro and arthritis thing a little. I noticed in some of my posts that I say things like " my fibro" or "my arthritis".  I decided a short while back that I would no longer, or at least, try to no longer call these problems mine. The way I am trying to look at it here is that I do not want any of these problems. I do not like it. I would not buy or even take these for free. Kinda like snow. I do not want it. So I am going to try to stop saying "my fibro" or "my arthritis", and try to say something more like "the fibro" instead. Why should I call it mine? I do not own it nor did I plan ahead to get it. It was not an impulse buy either.  
    It has cost me a lot since I've had it. You can read that in previous posts so I won't go over it again. I'm certainly not proud of having it. I would love to be able to leave it at the curb like a bag of nasty trash. Thats kinda how I look at it. It's just nasty trash. But I do not have to call it mine. Maybe that will make me feel a little better about this trash that I have. It makes no sense at all. I often wonder where it came from. Was it hereditary? Maybe. Was it stress? Maybe. Was it trauma? Could be. No matter were it came from the point is. I do not want this thing called fibro. Nor do I want the arthritis. I will try to stay mindful of calling them mine. Sorry guys you are not welcome in my body and I really wish you would go away. You don't have to go away mad, just go away.
   Now heres an interesting point. If I woke up tomorrow and the fibro was gone, would I notice? Probably not right away. The scary thing is, would I miss it? I would love to sit here and say no not a chance in hell would I miss it. But, what if I did? I know that if were to disappear overnight I certainly would not want it to come back. Remember its not mine.
   See you in the clearing at the end of the path... Peace.

Rambling....

Rambling thoughts. With the onset of the wonderful and amazing fibromyalgia I have noticed that my thoughts and thinking ramble on at an almost amazing speed. It's like I'm reading 16 books at the same time. I'm not even sure I can translate this to writing but I will try. Sometimes my mind will go from 0 to mach 97 in about 2 and a half nano seconds. And back. I get ideas or I think of something that needs to be done and in just a flash that thought will be gone. Zip Zap its gone and nowhere to be found. I really hate that too. I was told by my V.A. shrink that I have adult ADHD. There is a really good chance that I had ADHD as a child also. That would certainly explain a lot. I am not too sure I want to accept that though. I accepted the arthritis and the fibro. I have also accepted the PTS and the major depression. See I have alway considered myself to be a reasonably shit together kind of guy, but with the "fibro fog" having my shit together is becoming a really tough chore. Yes I said it is a chore, not something to enjoy. I hate the fog. I hate the scramble thoughts that rarely make any sense. I hate that I hate. I have fought that one for most of my life. The hate. I don't like the idea that I have hate in me. That, I know is never good. Yea I know I joke about it saying things like "yea I have hate but it keeps me warm in the winter". I do have a lot of love though. I know that the love I have will far outweigh the hate. Most times I don't even know why I have hate. I don't hate any one single person, no not even my step father. He's dead anyway so hating on him would be a waste of hate. Ha, did I really just write that? Even thinking about him is a waste of time and mental effort, yet there he is. Sometimes. I can not block it so I usually just let the thought run its course and try to distract myself. I am getting pretty good at that, distracting myself that is. You know that whole mind over matter thing. If you don't mind then it don't matter.  Hate. HATE. Hate. Such an offensive word. Kinda like that cu&% word, only not as bad. 
     It's a good thing, ya know, to learn to love. It took me a long time to learn that. It is amazing that one can learn to hate waaay faster than one can learn to love. Love. LOVE. Love. Yea that is much easier on the mind than HATE. It is even easier to say. I have a boat load of love. Way more than the hate I have. I try really hard to not be bitter about my problems. I understand that it is not my fault and there is really not much that can be done. I will not go the drug route again. That was a large source of hate. I hated having to take the drugs. I suppose I really didn't have to start taking meds but I was kinda desperate for some relief. I knew that I was taking a possibly dangerous path and I was right. The meds did a lot of damage. Maybe thats why I hate? Naw it's much deeper than that. I just wish I could figure out why I hate. Does any one really believe that we as humans will ever figure our selfs out? Probably not. That would be rather arrogant to even think that way.
    So hate sucks huge mastodon ass.
   I just re-read this and I realized that I rambled away from rambling thoughts to hate.  Imagine that. I guess that would be it. My not so single track mind went awol on me again. I shall close this one out and say later dazz my friends...