Something I've never told

  Here we are the beginning of April and a kinda slow start to spring. Yes, I do love the spring but if your a constant  reader you know that already. My shroom therepy seems to be helping. I really wish I could talk more freely with this.I feel like I'm hiding something and I need to tell. I did tell my Doc how I felt that the shrooms help ease the fibro pain. I'm not sure that went so well. Now I have mushroom use disorder, moderate. Moderate. Not like I boom everyday or anything. But hey it helps. 
  Ok I found out the other day that my appeal with the VA is not going well. Its not going at all. My case or whatever they call it is still sitting waiting for review. Ok well how much longer I ask. Oh, your right at about 4 years from a decision. What the capitol FUCK do you mean 4 years? I was told last May it might take 12 to 14 or 18 months. Gettin pretty close to that 12 month mark now and then I'm told no, more like 4 years. 4 fucking years. That is simply not going to work. I was more than upset and I went and did it again and more or less ended up in an argument with my wife. boom. I just cant seem to not fuck that up. I get real defensive real fast and so does my wife. Anyways I talked to her the next day I think or maybe a dayish later and told her the same thing I am going to say here. I have hid this all my life and I have never told a soul. My parents had me to a head doc when I was young maybe around 6 or 7. All I really remember about that is looking at the ink spots. Cant believe they really do that, at least they did then anyway. I know why I went to the shrink even though my folks never told me what that was all about. I thought I wasnt supposed to talk about it so I never did. I have been DXed with ADHD by my VA shrink. I have had that or something similar all my life. Learning is a major chore for me. Not all learning just somethings. I learned how to drive pretty quick. My high school driver ed teach told me I was a natural driver. I kept that little bit of info in the back of my head. Math I simply do not get any of it above simple addition and subtraction. I had a math tudor not long, maybe a year or 3 after the child shrinkoligest. I didnt do so well with Engrish either. You can probably tell from the way I write, right? I am not good with my hands and I can not draw. I see clouds in the clouds everyone else sees pegesus in. I can spell, mostly. See I dont understand my learning disorder at all. Some things come way easy for me, and some things, its like what in the world is going on? I am not dumb or stupid either. My IQ is not great but its nothing to be ashamed of. Upper 120s almost 130 so thats not bad. Some of it just the human factor. Not much mind you. I never did well in school. My grades, um were pretty bad. I didnt really pass any grades.  I was "placed" in the next grade so the teachers didnt have to deal while me. I heard teachers call me dumb and lazy. I am neither. So I kept my little closet monster to myself for my whole life. Those teachers hurt me beyond repair by letting my hear them say that, so I hid my problem. I figured if my parents wouldn't talk about it and teachers whispered about it while they were looking at me then mayhap I should just keep my mouth shut about it. So I did. I barely made it through enough school to get my DL then I dropped. 2 years later I enlisted. I didnt test well for that either. I did ok or they would have said nope. Same story. Some things in the Navy came easy. Most did not. I struggled to learn and to hide the disability at the same time. I was teased plenty enough as it was as a child I really didnt want to fuel that fire. I saw how some kids treated challenged kids and I didnt want any part of that kind of abuse. I understood how it feels to be "that kid" so I pretty much just faked it and hoped I didnt get caught or found out. I have skated through life pretending to know what I'm doing. I do know what I'm doing most of the time and to take care of business mostly but it seems to be coming apart much faster than I can keep up. Fuck. This is embarassing. I was embarassed to tell my wife. I think she understands but I'm not sure. I was and still am afraid people would think less of me if they knew I had diffucultys with learning. Maybe Don did way more damage than I think or I was just born this way. I dont know but I am considering talking to my PC doc about it. Maybe theres a brain scan or something for that kind of stuff. Sure would be nice to be able to pin this on something or just to know why and what, ya know. I may not be able to fix it but I can maybe learn to adjust better. I spent a lifetime adjusting maybe with a Dx I can stop adjusting and just be me. There s a saying or meme on FaceBook that goes something like this. Anybody can fake being sick, but it takes real talent to fake being well. I should get an award. ha. I am not proud of this, well maybe some because I have pulled it off. I did manage to bluff my way through life pretty well. I learned by watching and being dealthly afaird of being teased for being "slow". da. ha. Ya know at this point if life I really could care less. mostly. I have good friends and I have a good family. If they dont or wont understand then that will be their problem right? right. Oky then. Thats out now and I feel better. I will invite you all to check out my new blog. The Random Thoughts of my PTSD mind. That could get interesting I'm sure. See ya on the flipy flop..   

Thoughts

Well now. Here we are, getting into winter and I do not like winter, for the record. I used to be able to handle winter but I have never liked it. No not at all. Well I do like the beauty of winter. How the hills look on a really frosty morning with frost hanging on to everything. I kinda like watching a good winter storm although more often than not the storms really kick my butt. I suppose. Winter will lead to spring and I like the spring. Then summer. Summer is best, except for the bugs. I can do without the bugs. Campfires and warm nights. Gives me something to look forward to. 
   Not to change the subject or anything but thats what I am going to do. Tonight I am going to experiment with some new boomers I have. Yep time to trip. This is a new strain and from what Ive noticed with this strain so far is that they are good shrooms. 2 grams should just about do it too. I'll kick back and watch a trippy movie or two. Should be a good time I'm sure. It will be good for the soul, plus I need a break from the fibro. I kinda lost track of the experiments so I dont know how many Ive tried but I do know that everytime I trip with the shrooms it knocks the fibro down. I mentioned the placebo effect once. Yea I still do not feel thats the case. Shrooms work. Thats how I feel about it. I've read a couple articles about  how shrooms could help with depression and or PTSD. Well now I will most certinily pay attention to that aspect. I'll take that too. Go figure. Kinda amazing how a natural substance could be so benificial. It is too bad that people seem to think that a pill full of chemicials is better than something that has grown from the earth. Really kinda sad. But hey ya know. Better living through chemistry right.. Gotta go have a wonderful day or night. 

Trouble with the VA

Ok here we go again. I have requested an increase in my VA comp due to the IBS and the PTS getting worse. My PC doc says my IBS is severe, VA says its mild. Whatever, all I know is it hurts and I shit way more than I should. Is it any wonder I weight in around 127 to 130 pounds?? Im 6 feet tall for shits sake, I should weight in around 160 or so. Yea its mild my ass. Trust me I have changed my diet, I have all but eliminated sugar and I have cut back on a lot of not so good food. I do not eat at fast food places anymore at all. I take fiber suppliments also. All I can do is lay the blame for the IBS on the PTS. That shit is getting wicked. Im having more night mares and my startle response is getting out of hand. I get pissed pretty easy too plus I am usually depressed and in a foul mood. This morning I woke up feeling just shitty as hell and I was pissed as hell. I dont even know why I was pissed. It had to have been a night mare I dont remember so well. Good thing I guess. My head doc at the VA had called 
me yesterday so I returned his call and although I didnt talk with Doc Sandstrom I did talk to another guy and he was asking me if I wanted to try another drug. I dont remember the name of it but it is an anti depressant/ sleep aid. I told him Ill try it, but Im a little leery of it. Ill do plenty of research on this before I jump. I don't need another suicide drug, or a drug that interferes with my sexuality or performance. Not going there again, I came way too close to poppin myself once before and I am not going to take that risk again. Yea ok never say never. Ill try the drug mostly so I can tell the doc how I feel on it. I have to play their game for a little bit so ya know right. Hopefully I'll make it through this.                                         Im asking for 70%. That should put me in a good spot with income. If Martha and I stay together it should bail us out. There is a catch though. My appeal will take close to, if not more than 14 months. 14 fuckin months. The world will have changed by then. A lot. Good chance I wont be able to hold on to the house. That really sucks but at least I can say i lived in my own house for a while, and its really not my house, its Martha's. Her Dad paid for it once and now we are paying for it again. Damn life truly sucks sometimes, ya know..catch ya next time... happy trails.....

Flare Day

Im in a moderate to worse flare today. Pretty much sucks. I had to reschedule my dentist appt, again due to the wonderul world of I shit way too much. Flare ups and IBS go hand in hand. Ones bad makes the other worse and that makes the other worse and so on and such forth. Here we go back to that one word. Hate. I hate this shit and having to shit and all that other shit that goes with the shit of fibro. Said shit a lot didnt I? Thats because its really shitty. So on to this flare. Just what the hell do you suppose brought this one on? MMm let me guess. Weather system, cold front moving through. Check. High stress levels. Check. Winter hath approches. Check. Did a little too much the last couple days. Check. Well looks like its all there.  Its even rainy and gloomy outside. Mm go figure. Im not sure I am cut out for this kind of shit( ha more shit). Kinda depressing at times. So I sit here and listen to Pink Floyd with a proper buzz and hope it helps. Medicating with cannabis is the best way to go, for me anyways. I ate 2 cookies this morning for breakfast and smoked a little and it is helping a lot. Pretty sure this flare would have me in bed otherwise. Im almost there as it is. Pretty damn sick but I think the shits are pretty close to being done for a while anyway. I hope so. 
     Shit. Its humpday and the weekend is getting closer. Tomorrow I go to see Tom at the VA. hopefully Im not sick. Stay tuned this could get interesting to be sure. My hands started hurting a lot faster today so Im a gonna get along and have some lunch, soup, maybe and a nap sounds about right. Peace my friends, have a safe trip and keep the shiny side up. See ya on the flip..

Summer of 14

    Well looks like summer is closing out and fall is closing in. You know how I feel about that so we don't need to go over it again. Wow what a summer I've had. Nothing short of great. A few bad days here and there with the fibro and all that shit. I requested an increase in comp from the VA for the PTS getting worse and the IBS not getting better. All the Docs said they agree with me and things are certainly worse than when I was evaled in 2011. I was told it would be no problems getting an increase, unofficially of course, then here comes the letter, sorry we feel you are not any worse and because I am not a combat Vet I wont be getting an increase. Something like that anyway. Excuse me??? Your Docs said the PTS is worse and my Docs say the IBS is sever. You say its mild. Ok then. Fuck right off VA and spend a week in my house, see how I eat because i dont have an effing appetite and then see how much I shit because I have IBS.                                                                                                                                                    So that part sucks, but the rest of the summer was pretty damn good. Ive visited Debbie a few times and we have laughed and cried and talked good times. We went to Wildwood one afternoon. That was fun yet, wow what a huge change. I almost threw her in the lake but you know. We plan on going to The 44th Annual Midwest harvest fest in Oct. That should be a blast. Ive been wanting to go for so long but didnt want to spend more than a few hours but hey its a weed harvest fest and I don't want to drive 3 and half hours after a day of um medicating. Debbie is only an hours drive so I can stay there and we can go to the fest for a few hours. Sounds like fun. Damn if I make that one and it is planned then I will have been to 6 fest this year. Wow. GFF in Jun, GGGs in Aug, Blues in the Pines in Sept and a Blues fest in Sun Prairie last week with Debbie. Yea I know. I had a great time every time. A little shy on the shrooms this year but still had a blast. I sure am tired though. Lots of investment pain thats for sure. I know I said a few bad days but there were a lot I covered up. I need to move around or be up and try to keep my spirits up so I just cant lay around all the time. I didn't get much done in the yard this year but the weather was funky and hot and buggy and all of a sudden gone ,poof, that's all she wrote folks. See I went to too many fests and I was lost in the moment that lasted all summer.                                                                                                                                Page break

  So Im going to go to lunch with my good friend Al tomorrow. I need to talk to him. One of the few men on this planet that I trust with my everything including my life. Ive been having some difficulty with the PTS but I need to chat with him about a couple other things that have gone down this summer. One of those fuckity fuck fuck times ya know? Yea maybe not but you will. I hate times like this also. It just adds to my already confused self. The last 10, or maybe a little more, years have been tough. The last 5 or 7 years have been even tougher. Its late and me and my fingers are getting tired. Always the fingers. More fuckity fuck.   If anyone sees my unicorn please let me know. I truly miss her. Sweet dreams. 

Just another day.

  Well here we are at the beginning of June. Finally summer is upon us and I for one am very pleased about that. Better weather. My youngest has graduated high school, not sure if I mentioned that before, and he has plans on enlisting in the Navy around the end of Aug or so. Thats great that he has a plan. I'm not sure about the whole empty nester thing yet. Time for us to be a couple again. Sounds like fun. I can drop a couple responsibilities and I can trim my budget accordingly. I should be able to free up a couple hundred a month, well, maybe a hundred but hey ya know I can take it.  
   
  I went to the first music fest of my summer this past weekend. Grateful Friends Fest. That was a huge blast. I had a lot of fun and I came home feeling pretty good. The fibro didnt act up and it is still being good. I tripped every night starting on Thursday night, with progressively stronger doses and by Sat night I was looking at 2 grams or a little more. All 3 nights were a huge success. I tripped very nicely and the fibro is still missing in action, and I am not searching for it either. As far as I am concerned it can stay gone, but I know it will be back. So once again, I did something that should have kicked my butt all the way back home. 3 nights of not the best sleep 4 days of not the best diet and 4 days and 3 nights of non stop wake up till sleep time party. I smoked cannabis I ate cannabis and I did my magic shrooms. I should have been whipped but nope I feel great. The music was great and the folks at the fest are some of the nicest people I have ever meet. Yep, the hippies were right. Peace Love and dope right? Well we dont use the word dope anymore so I'll stick with the peace and love part. The dope? Well I dont use dope anymore either, but I do use cannabis. I have another fest to go to in Aug. Same kind of music and same kind of party. It will be fun I'm sure. For now though I must bid you a fond fare thee well, I have a truck to unpack and I'm pretty sure I need to help.. Full sails and following seas my friends. See ya at the bridge..

Trip Report

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 How about that friends and neighbors, two posts in a row. I must be motivated or mayhap its sunspots. I really need to do this more often. I kinda like writing my shit down. 

        

                                                                                                                                                                               I've continued my experiments with psilocybin this year. 3 so far. First one was a half gram and it was a good trip. Lots of laughs and no fibro. I was practically fibro free for 2 days. The next time I dosed a full gram. Better trip and somewhat trippier. Again no fibro. Gone, zip, nada. Pretty amazing if you ask me. And if you do ask I will be happy to tell you. Wait I'm doing that now. Ha. Second time I was fibro free for another 2 maybe 2 and a half days. Very nice. Now to Sunday night. Went up to a gram and a half. Wow that was trippy indeed. Lots of colors and shadows moving in a cartoon fashion. Much better. I do love to trip. Again no fibro. No a trace. No bugs, no randoms, no voodoo pains and I had a lot of energy and my coordination was much better than usual. After the peak I kinda went into a state of mind that was pretty deep. Not as deep as I am looking for but part way there. I listened to some Allman Bros and I let myself go with the music. 22 minutes of closed eye after peak. Very nice and very meditative. Three and a half days later I'm feeling it wear off. Kinda grumpy today but thats fibro for ya. I probably wont trip again until the fest. We shall see how that goes.. Oh boy am I getting pumped up for that...

 

         I need to meditate more often. Not with the shrooms lol, those are for times when I want to trip and experiment with the medical benefits and meditate and all the above. Maybe hit up a small dose, half a gramish a couple times a month and go bigbang with a couple of grams or more every once in awhile. 

 I have found my magic elixir. Psilocybin works for me. Is it a placebo effect? I believe that it is not. I have read other testimony on it's healing abilities. Am I wrong for doing it this way? On my own without a doctors consent or even knowledge? Nope. If it's wrong for me to experiment with MY body to try to find help with MY pain on MY terms then I feel we need to take a huge step back. Thats how medicine was discovered in the first place right? The natives are right. The ancients knew about medicinal plants, fungus, trees, or teas. I feel it is time to trust the ancients. I feel if they didnt know what they were doing we humans may not be here at all. Kinda goofy but thats how I feel. If a mushroom will make me feel better so be it. If an herb will make me feel better so be it. If a chemical that someone else thinks will make me feel better and it does not and only  makes me sicker, then what the fuck would I want with that? Been down that road and it was very rough. I like my way much better. So does my wife, most important, and so do my sons. That is all the validation I need. The rest of society can kiss my not so hairy white ass. Dont like it? Suck it up cupcake, its my life and I'm not bothering anyone. Screw off. Right? 

  So I guess thats it for this time. I try to keep up with this is dos do me good to write shit down. Be kind to animals. Later dazz my friends keep it real...

 

Long time no see..

                                                                                                                                                                 Wow. another year since I last posted. I really need to do this more often like I was doing when I started this blog. Quick update first. I have been feeling pretty good and the fibro and the arthritis have been not terrible but not good either. The tinnitus. Well lets just say it's there. Always there. Never a break unless I stand next to those hugh amps the band uses and I dont go out that much anymore. IBS? Not bad and getting a little better as the days go by. Depression? Yea. Still there. PTSD. Oh yes it's there in a really big way and getting bigger all the time. I will discuss that one with you all at a later time. Lets see now. My youngest son Erik graduated high school the other day. Me be a proud Papa right now. Both of my children have graduated high school and my oldest, Kyle is a Hospital Corpsman in the Navy. Basically hes a certified nut, um nurse..lol. Erik has plans for the Navy also. I am so happy that they have done something for their future and have long range plans. I never had long range plans and pretty much took life as it came to me.
   Now I have some more great news. I caught up with a very close friend from my teenage years. Well much more than friend as she was my high school love. I say high school because she was in and I had left high school, but was still that age.We connected on Facebook and I talked on the phone recently with her. In 2 days we spent over 10 hours on the phone. It felt really wonderful to play catch up with her. Her name is Debbie. Such a beautiful name. I have always loved that name.
    Now for the hard part. Debbie popped up and my life almost fell apart, well not my life but my psyche certainly did. My emotions this past weekend have been all over the board. I have cried, I have laughed, I am happy and I am confused. I dont know why I'm confused I just am. I loved Debbie with all my heart when I was with her. I trusted her and I cherished her. I just didn't have work or an education so I couldn't treat her like I wanted to do or how she deserved to be treated. We both had rough childhoods and we both grew up in the same community. We trusted and as far I'm concerned I still trust her. With my life and my heart. I dont trust easy but you all know that already. We talked I cried, she might have also. I found her. I have been kinda looking for her for 35 years and now I have found her and I dont know what to do. I know what I have to do and I know what I have to remain. But I just dont know how to handle this. Debbie has the ball. I do not plan on doing something stoopid and leaving my wife or anything. That decision is in my wifes ball park.  That road has been pretty rocking more or less since i had my meltdowns and started flipping out. I got really angry at her for no other reason than me trying to wrap my mind around my disabilities. That was and is still pretty damn hard to do.I took my anger with myself out on my wife and I feel I may have fucked it all up between us. It doesnt feel the same anymore. I love my wife more than life but it doesnt feel right
  Poof! here comes Debbie. Wow what a rush. I'm already making mistakes with her. Why cant I just do something or be someone without fucking it all up?? That shit pisses me off. I could fuck up a wet dream. Yea, like I have had one of those in 40 years. Thing is i still love Debbie. She was my first love and she will always be my first love. I mentioned in a post a couple years back about a lady I met in treatment and we had an experience together and I said something about having more than one soulmate. I said I have 3. Here's the line up in order of my soul mates. Debbie, Martha, and that lady in treatment. Oh how I wish I could remember her name.                                                                                                                          At this point I will do everything I need to do to keep Debbie in my life. I can have her as a friend and I would be good with that. Thats not what I truly and honesty want but that is how it must be. I can love both. I have plenty of that to go around but I can only be with one. As much as I would want to be with Debbie, I am with Martha. That is the way it is. I can not, nor do I want to change that. Life is truly unfair. I will never get what i want and I kinda resigned myself to that one a very long time ago. Why would it be any different now? Never got want I needed or wanted as a child why would I think I'd get it as an adult?? It really pisses me off.                                                                                                                                                           Debbie still loves me maybe as she did then? i dont know. She told me she still loves me and I certainly believe her. Here we are back at life happens and it did not happen for us. Sometimes I wonder if I would have fucked up a relationship with Debbie as I have done with every other one I've ever had? Probably. Thats what i do best. Fuck up my relationships. Then I worked on fucking up my jobs. Mmm I must be a fuck up huh?? No I dont really feel that way about life in general, but I do feel that way about my relationships. Fuckity fuck fuck.  What do I do now Sonny??
 Page break.
 I know, but I dont know. I am going to a Deadhead fest first weekend in Jun. 7 days from now. I use these fests or at least this one as I only go to one a year besides this year I doing 2, to try to get my head on straight. I trip out on shrooms and I let my hair down and have a good time. I decided that this year will be the last year i will invite any of my current friends. I have festie friends and I will party like I did as a teenager and my festie friends can see that, not my home friends. My home friends dont need to see me that way. I never party myself to an out of control state but I dont want them to worry if I get a little too tripped out. That is what I'm there for and this year I am going for a grand event. I am looking for a spiritual event.I need an experience close to what I had in treatment. I have to set a different stage and a different state of mind but I will eventually find it. I probably wont cum in pants this time but hey, if that happens I'll take that too.
 I need this event really bad. It was an extremely rough winter for me. The weather decided to get all Wisconsin on us and it was bad. The weather kicked my ass in a big way. It was cold and brutal. Lots of storms and low pressure systems went through. The cold was the worst. I couldn't spend any time outside at all without have skin fire. 30 seconds outside in below zero temps sets any of my exposed skin on fire. I have been burned so I know how that feels. Fuck that shit. The weather is suppose to be great for the fest and I am getting pretty damn excited to go. I'm taking Erik and my good friend Kevin. It will be a great time as long as I can keep Kevins mind out of the past, yea like i dont have my own past demons to deal with, I will not go into that at anytime sorry. I keep my friends confidentiality.
  I may have fucked up a few days ago and I kinda off handily asked Debbie to the fest in Aug. My treat. I'm pretty sure we both misunderstood my intentions. I want to party and talk and hug and dance, I never really danced with her, and I dont do that very well either but it would be nice, and play catch up with Deb and I'm sure a 4 day music fest is simply not enough time.
 Wow, way to just ramble huh? I let a lot out in this one and I havent read it yet. Not sure I want to read it. I might edit it if I do. Kinda defeats the purpose of writing it down dont ch tink?? Mom never told me there would be days like this. Bullshit, she most certainly said there would be days like this. A lot of them. Thanks Mom, love you.                                                                                                                                                       I suppose.   I'm starting to get crabbers claw and typing is getting difficult.
     I really hope Deb can make the fest. I need to talk to her. Happy trails my friends. Its been a long strange trip indeed. see ya on the flip side.....

Psilocybin Fibro and Me

    Another long stretch between posts. I should post more often, but you know life kinda gets in the way. Today I am going to post about my experience with Magic Mushrooms or Psilocybin. First I shall run my disclaimer. Yes I know, Psilocybin is illegal, but so is cannabis. Yes I know Doctors do not like it when we self medicate. Do I care. Not one bit. I need to ask what the difference is between a Doc prescribing me a drug or me prescribing myself a drug? In my mind there is no difference at all. Do docs know more about drugs than I do. Most certainly. Do doc know more about my body and my pain than I do. Most certainly not!  What matters to me most would be my wife, my kids, my spirituality and my health. In that order. 
   On to business. Last year I went to an outdoor music fest for the first time in my life. 5 days of music and camping. I may not have covered this in my previous posts, but one of my vices would be that I just love to trip. I've tripped a lot when I was a teenager, but that was all kinds of acid. I didn't like the chemical feel of acid or the 3 day burn out that good acid gives for a hangover.            I tried Psilocybin when I was in the Navy and I was home on leave. It was great but I never had the chance to go again. There were 1 or 2 more acid trip and then I quit tripping. I didnt like the chemical feeling. Fast forward 35 years and here we are. So I got the opportunity to try Psilocybin ( here after known as "shrooms") again last year at the fest. Wow. I had a very nice non chemical contaminated mellow trip. Tripped twice for that matter. I tried something called psilocybin drops. Yea that was way to intense for me. So I tried regular shrooms a couple days later and that was exactly what I was looking for. I had a nice mellow body high kind of trip that didnt go on for ever.  
    A couple of days later i noticed that I wasnt having a whole lot of fibro pain. I had just spent 5 days and 4 nights partying with weather problems and a poor diet with little sleep. That alone should have kicked my ass all the way to the Land Down Under and back. Nope I was feeling pretty good. I thought about the shrooms and if maybe just maybe they had something to do with that. I did some research and discovered studies on psilocybin and major depression. I also found studies on psilocybin and PTSD. Both studies show promising results. I wont go into detail on these studies. You could look them up the same way I did. 
  On to this summer. I decided to find and obtain enough shrooms to do a complete study for myself. I have tripped 10 times this summer and every trip, although different in buzz and quality, I found the same results. During the trip there is no fibro pain at all.  The trip peak only goes for 3 to 5 hours then its on its way down. No chemical hangover, no pain, no tiredness aside from a slight lack of sleep. Even the IBS is calmed way down for a couple of days after I trip. That in itself is worth way more than what I paid for my shrooms. I would pay big money, and I have, to be free of constant pooping every single morning, no mater what I eat. Nothing helps. 
     So shrooms put the skids on IBS, at least for me. 
   Now I have to admit that the shrooms do very little for the arthritis or the tinnitus. The tinnitus does calm down some but not a lot. I can handle that too. There are no side effects except for a very small bout of intestinal grief, but hey I ate poison mushrooms so what else does one expect? Its not too bad just some cramping and very small amount of nausea. All I need to do is eat something and the nausea goes away. I guess that's common.  I havent gone over 2 grams yet but I may at a later time. I am still exploring this so I am going to take it kinda slow. 
    So does this make me a bad person or a "drug abuser"? No. I'm still the same person I was before, except for the fibro and all of its wonderful problems. A drug abuser? No. I most certainly do not abuse drugs. Mayhap in the eyes of our establishment type of people I am guilty of drug abuse. In the eyes of my spirit I am seeking relief and spiritual guidance. 
  Back to the shrooms. I do plan on some more experimenting before winter time hits. I like to trip outside.  When it gets cold I wont trip again until spring or whenever the weather warms enough to enjoy being outside. I also dont like to trip in the daytime. I'm more comfortable at night anyway so that only makes sense. 
 Ok so now I got that out. I trip and I smoke weed and I usually feel pretty good. I do not trip every day. More like once in awhile. I do smoke weed everyday though. So sue me. Maybe next time I'll talk about my efforts to bake some edibles. I'm learning, and I am way behind, but I am learning there are better ways to ingest weed than to smoke it. That my friends, I'll save for another day. In the meantime I shall sign out and see you on the flip flop.. Peace my friends.   
    

My? Fibro

I guess it's been a couple of months since I last posted an entry here. I have been feeling pretty good lately, well mostly anyways. My complaints are small and kinda minor so I won't go into them today. Today I will ramble about this fibro and arthritis thing a little. I noticed in some of my posts that I say things like " my fibro" or "my arthritis".  I decided a short while back that I would no longer, or at least, try to no longer call these problems mine. The way I am trying to look at it here is that I do not want any of these problems. I do not like it. I would not buy or even take these for free. Kinda like snow. I do not want it. So I am going to try to stop saying "my fibro" or "my arthritis", and try to say something more like "the fibro" instead. Why should I call it mine? I do not own it nor did I plan ahead to get it. It was not an impulse buy either.  
    It has cost me a lot since I've had it. You can read that in previous posts so I won't go over it again. I'm certainly not proud of having it. I would love to be able to leave it at the curb like a bag of nasty trash. Thats kinda how I look at it. It's just nasty trash. But I do not have to call it mine. Maybe that will make me feel a little better about this trash that I have. It makes no sense at all. I often wonder where it came from. Was it hereditary? Maybe. Was it stress? Maybe. Was it trauma? Could be. No matter were it came from the point is. I do not want this thing called fibro. Nor do I want the arthritis. I will try to stay mindful of calling them mine. Sorry guys you are not welcome in my body and I really wish you would go away. You don't have to go away mad, just go away.
   Now heres an interesting point. If I woke up tomorrow and the fibro was gone, would I notice? Probably not right away. The scary thing is, would I miss it? I would love to sit here and say no not a chance in hell would I miss it. But, what if I did? I know that if were to disappear overnight I certainly would not want it to come back. Remember its not mine.
   See you in the clearing at the end of the path... Peace.